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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Stole This From Cheri

List 20 things you want to say to people, but never will.

1) List 20 things you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.

3) Never discuss it again.


1.) You act like such a victim, but you're not. You use your physical limitations as an excuse.

2.) We've both changed and our relationship is better than ever!

3.) You confuse and annoy me. Seriously.

4.) You mean the world to me. I would never be the same without you.

5.) Sometimes I am not sure if the things you say when you are joking around are really jokes.

6.) Don't let that little bitch bring you down. You're better than that.

7.) Sometimes I just never want to talk to you again.

8.) I don't trust you sometimes.

9.) Despite the beginning, I really consider you a true friend.

10.) You think you have it bad but you have no idea how much worse it could be.

11.) I think you hold grudges over stupid petty things. Sometimes you just gotta open your mouth.

12.) Get rid of her, please! She is no good for you.

13.) I don't know why you put up with him. He can't love you and you don't love him.

14.) You're better than that!

15.) I've never met a more fake person than you. You are everything you claim you aren't. I will tell you someday.

16.) You are beautiful. Inside and out. Change for no one. Be who you are cuz you are wonderful that way.

17.) Do what makes you happy. Don't apologize for it.

18.) You're sneaky and two-faced.

19.) You're a one-upper.

20.) You interest me in a non weird way. You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. You smile through everything. I wish I had that strength.

Monday, December 29, 2008

TIme-Lock

I feel so frozen in time with all this fertility stuff. There is nothing I can do right now and it's driving me nuts. Yes, I could go get all the testing done I could get without needing the hubbster, but I want him to be here. I want him to be there holding my hand. I want him to be every bit a part of this. Stupid Army. Only 3 months 27 days (about) til we can try again.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Zombies

I have this serious fear of Zombies...


I'm not kidding. 

I watch the movie Dawn Of The Dead and I have nightmares for weeks. However, I LOVE Zombie movies. I don't know what kind of weird psychological issue I have with that but, every time I see Dawn Of The Dead on I HAVE to watch it. Then I end up having some seriously fucked up dreams about Zombies. These dreams are so real that I literally put my phone on silent, stay very quiet, and text people that I know to make sure there aren't Zombies running around eating their brains. Every time.  My poor husband would get back from PT and he'd have a text asking if Zombies were taking over the world. Then I'd text a friend or two back home just to be sure. I'd literally be sweating and terrified until somebody answered back. 

So...

My wonderful husband and one of his friends came up with an elaborate Zombie plan. I mean they had it planned right down to knocking out the stairs to our apartment and knocking out the wall to the apartment next to us and he'd bring his big old Army vehicle and guns and ammo and all that just to make sure that I was safe from Zombies. All we'd have to do is ride it out til winter cuz living dead or not, they ain't livin through -40 and lower temps. 

It's great to know that my husband is prepared and willing to protect me...no matter what odd fears I have.

If that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

104

It's been 104 days since I last got AF. Just thought I'd update on that.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Will It Ever Be Finished?

I let it go. I said what I had to say. Here AND to her. Could she let it go? Of course not. She says nothing to me for days and finally, when her MOMMY makes a comment, she gets the balls to say something. First off, Lisa, you say to me, if I got something to say, to say it. I DID. I said all this TO YOUR DAUGHTER. I don't know how else I can stress this. Once again, everything I have said in this blog, I have said TO HER. Now, it ain't my style to insult my elders, but, I can see why Amanda is so dense. As far as my stuff goes, yes, I should have gotten my stuff out. However, she said I could keep it there and why is it an inconvenience to her if I have OTHER people move it out for me? Is it because then other people would see how she keeps her house? God forbid she have to do something. 


And Amanda, way to get some balls after your mom does. Ha! 

Now if you wanna go and answer everything with a quote, well so can I.

"You know, I really wasn't going to reply to any of this, but since the girls are down for a nap, oh what the hell. Why not."

Your kids nap now? Total mind blow. Anyway, you weren't going to comment but now here you are doing so. Why? Do you think you're 'hardkore' as you like to put it? Trust me, you're not. Way to be tough after mommy was. Ha. You make me laugh, you really do. I almost feel sorry for you because you obviously have no idea how you really are. Apparently Jenna and I lived in our own little world that long month you lived with us. Speaking of that, why DID you move in when you did? I said you could start moving your STUFF in early, that didn't mean you and your kids. As far as my sleeping patterns go, sorry, this is my first deployment. I miss my husband like crazy. I was up all night til about 8 in the morning or later and THAT is why I slept until 4. Don't believe me? Why don't you ask my mom cuz that's who I'd be on the phone with. But you already knew that cuz you heard me on the phone at that hour more than once. Oh, and don't worry, I'm sleeping quite well now.



The laundry comment.
"I guess my floor was gross too cuz you left your dirty laundry on it for weeks at a time. That includes the PJs that your daughter shit on"
Excuse me, but I do believe that I did my laundry whenever the washer was open. The PJs that my daughter pooped on, it took me 3 days to wash them because I was waiting for the washer and dryer to be empty. I guess it really is that hard to take your clothes out of the dryer.


First off. I saw you do your laundry ONCE. Second, when I did my laundry, the only place clothes were ever left was the dryer. Can't you open your mouth and ask for me to take them out. I wasn't aware it was your house yet. It was my dryer and if I want to leave my clothes in there to wrinkle, I can. Oh, and Jenna never left her clothes anywhere but the dryer either. We both know that clothes left in the washer smell musty after too long. Let's see, as far as the shitty PJs, I'm sorry, did we not have sinks there? Most people wash their children's shitty clothes out in a sink first and then put them in the washer. I guess it really is that hard to be clean.

"Diapers that sag to a kid's knees and children who aren't bathed for a week or fed for up to 5 hours after they wake up sound like kids who are being neglected"
I missed one diaper change, that made Lily's diaper sag to her knees. ONE DIAPER. I changed them both pretty regularly. And now that Lily is potty trained, that leaves me with one child's diaper to change. And yes, they were bathed more than once a week, but would you really know that, I mean, after all, you were sleeping till about 4 in the afternoon most days. And not feeding them for 5 hours? Wow. Because like I said, you would really know what I do when they get up, because you were always awake that early.


I'm utterly EXHAUSTED at repeating myself about your kids. I should just refer you to the other blog entries on that one, so go read them again because clearly, it takes you a while to get things through your head. Ha, potty training Lily. I recall the first time she asked to pee on the potty and you ignored her. LOL. Jenna was there for that one so try and deny it. As far as my sleeping habits, refer to the beginning of this entry.

"At least everyone I hang out with likes me. My friends or otherwise."
You know what, I know I am annoying. And yet those people still chose to hang around me. Those people still called and asked me to come over and hang out. If they really disliked me that much, LOSE MY NUMBER. Simple.


First, let me apologize for dragging anyone into this that doesn't want to be for the sake of gettin it through this bitch's head. No one likes you Amanda! They hang out with you because of your husband. If you only knew what they said about you AND your parenting. Ha. Makes me laugh just thinking about it. All I gotta say is we all can't be wrong. 

"A quote comes to mind, 'the only good thing that came outta your mouth was a dick' and it wasn't even your husband's was it?"
Excuse you. Unlike some of the army wives that you call friends, I have never, and will never cheat on my husband. And you guys can say anything you want. It really doesn't bother me.


Clearly it does bother you and why do you feel the need to bring everyone and their mother (well, yours at least LOL) into this? And I do believe you did cheat Amanda, and I know with who. Oh yeah, and just so you know, other people know as well. 

"You must live in your own little lala land."
No ma'am, I live in the real world. I'm making everything up because someone was mean to me. Ohhhhh yes. I was so upset because someone deleted me off of myspace and refused to talk to me, that I got all butthurt and went on a little rampage. I think not.


Who's real world do you live in? You're the one who flew off the handle with Kerry and you deleted her all cuz she was mean to you as you say and then you delete Jenna simply because she is friends with me? I didn't see you deleting me cuz I was friends with Kerry. You're ridiculous. Myspace is not life sweetie. Sorry.

"I could have never spoken to you when I was told you rarely have your children, you don't take care of them when you do, and you are nothing but a lying drama queen."
I may not always have my kids, because my parents like to spend time with them, but I have witnessed every single one of their milestones, and have always been there, either in person or on the phone. And as for not taking care of them, I call bullshit because I care about my daughters very much. I do everything I can to make sure that they are fed, clothed, get played with every day, and get the sleep that they need.


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I can't even comment on this one, I'm laughing way too hard!!!!! You take care of your kids! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

"Your kid played with markers. I told her not to keep colouring herself but I'm not her mother. She didn't listen to me. Plus, last I checked, kids play with markers and they are also washable"
Is it really that hard to take a marker away from the kid? Of course she didn't listen, she is 2 years old. You get up and take the marker away.


Get over it, it was a fucking marker

"Yeah, maybe, but why don't we ask who is on the nut pills. Not I, my friend"
Ok, so I am on medication to deal with depression that i have battled for 9 years, and anxiety that I have battled for 5 years. Those are nut pills? Since when? And when did it become a crime to be on meds? And uhhh, last you told me, weren't you debating on going on meds for your "OCD"


Never mentioned pills. I said I was thinking of talking about it with someone. And the only reason you're "depressed" is because you are stuck in a marriage where your husband could care less what you do and you are tied down with two kids and you're 21. You wanna party but you can't. Wah.

"Sit and chain-smoke and ignore your kids to this one."
I do not ignore my kids. Thank you very much.


Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Well, she didn't like that friend anymore because of (surprise) other drama that she created."
I created drama? All I did was delete her off of myspace. I didn't like things that she was doing in her life, and decided that I didn't need to be around it. Is it really that big of a deal to delete someone off of myspace? Is your myspace life that important that you flip shit over someone deleting you? Really? Ambie deleted me, and that was her choice, I didn't ask why, because, personally, I don't care. It's MYSPACE. Get the fuck over it.


Alright Queen of Myspace. You're the one who sits on it all day long. I could give a shit if anyone deletes me. I do pose a question though. If you don't want to be "myspace friends" with someone anymore and you delete them, then why do you still look at their page? Yes, I have a tracker on there too. Just for future reference. And there you go draggin in other people again.

"After 2 months of asking for that package and 3 days that I didn't have to find those papers, I finally got fed up and asked a friend to get my stuff because it was always something with her"
2 months ago, I was dealing with finance fucking our paycheck up. We ended up with a $313 paycheck at the beginning of the month, when we pay all of our bills. So yes, our bank account was screwed up for 2 months trying to get everything back on track. I prefer to pay my bills, and make sure my kids have food. And no, not McDonalds. You ask anyone who comes to my house after I've grocery shopped and ask them whats there, fresh fruits, veggies, chicken breasts. REAL FOOD. Mrs "I don't keep fresh fruit in my house". And really, those 3 days of not getting your papers. I was trying to figure out why my rent allotment didn't go through. I told you that. I'm sorry that your husband's papers aren't as important to me as getting my rent figured out. Maybe he should have taken those papers with him to Iraq like EVERYONE else did. Or maybe you should have taken them to New York with you.


You're always dealing with a finance problem. And no, it's not a problem. That's what the first of the month paycheck looks like after $1400 for rent is taken out. Until it starts going where it takes $700 from each paycheck, that's how it goes. Welcome to the real world. And when did I ever say I don't keep fresh fruit in the house? I don't usually buy it because it's too damn expensive up there. And I cooked 'real food' everynight for my husband and for Jenna. Sorry I didn't feel like cooking for you all the time. Wouldn't have mattered cuz even when I did, you ate very little and then stuffed your fat face with oreos instead. Sounds healthy to me. As far as you gettin those papers, it took Kerry 2 seconds to find them. They were in the box I said they were in. It would have taken you all of ten minutes to drive there, get them and drive home. Oh and FYI, his originals got lost in the packing process, otherwise he would have had them. And funny, I never had problems with my rent when I lived there. I gotta say, I'm really regretting getting that apartment for you. Thank god they know I'm nothing like you.

Really, maybe you should recheck the IP address, because Shannon doesn't have a computer, and it was my friend Sarah, in Florida.

Someone else from Fairbanks looked at my blog the same time this "sarah" chick did. So sorry for screwing that up. I do see though that you, your mother, and this sarah chick love to look at my blog quite frequently. My myspace too. Thanks for stopping by! :)

And by the way, if I was such a neglectful mother, wouldn't you have called CPS on me by now? Go ahead. But please wait till I get back to Fairbanks, I'm in Anchorage right now, and would hate for CPS to have to waste their time going to my house, only to find no one home. I'll be back January 3rd. Go ahead and give them a call then. I'm sure they would love to waste a visit on me.

Oh I have wanted to but I figured you expected it and were running around trying to clean up and everything so in case I did call, things would appear normal. Don't worry, I will call them and you never will know when so I guess you'll have to keep a clean house just in case. Hey, at least the kids will be taken care of for once out of fear of them getting taken away. Hmmm, or maybe that's what you want. Then you really wouldn't have to deal with them would you.


Oooh, and just FYI, if I don't feed my kids, and Olivia isn't even on solid foods, how does a 10 month old weigh 20 lbs?

Cuz she's still drinking formula. It ain't rocket science.

Oooh, and another one, kids only get to be as smart as Lily when you read to them and spend time with them, they don't get smart from watching TV. Look it up.

Then I guess it's a wonder that Lily is so smart! Why don't you teach her some more "cute' choice phrases cuz that's all I ever saw you teach her.

Ohh, and Kerry, karma is coming for you hun. Lock up your child and hide in a closet.

And STILL you bring Kerry into it. I just hope you realize that you have 4 of the biggest bitches you will ever meet pissed off at you. I'd be very careful if I were YOU.

Now, please, we'd all like to go on with our lives and act like you never exsisted. So, if you got something to say, try not to wait almost a week next time, ok?

It's Done



My new tattoo that is. Crappy pics, but, it's got Bacitracin all over it and I took it with one hand. I also finally got around to posting pics of all my tattoos and those can be found here



Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Story Behind My Blog Layout

Ya like it? It's cute isn't it. I decided to use it cuz while those dandelions are annoying as hell, when they turn to the puffy thingys, you're supposed to blow them away and make a wish as you do so. I have two of the most important things to wish for that I've ever wished for in my life. For my husband to come home safe, and for us to be able to have a baby when he gets back. I'm really hoping that we can be one of the lucky families that get pregnant after a deployment. If not, we get to start the fertility treatments over again...yay.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Things I Have Learned About Myself Today

-I'm childish

-I'm a slob
-I'm not a mother
-I'm annoying
-I'm a bullshitter
-I'm a liar
-I'm judgmental
-I neglect children
-Ultimately I'm nuts.

This is what I have to say back

-I'm childish
Yes, I am. I love to start fights with girls for my own entertainment. It was my plan all along to have you take over my lease and then be a total bitch to you. I said what I need to say and I did what needed to be done. I am not apologizing for that. I spoke my mind and you couldn't take it. That doesn't make me childish, it makes me honest. Don't like what I write in my blog here? Don't read it. I can do what I want with this blog and I will. Read the title of it.

-I'm a slob
Yup, you got me pegged again. I am such a slob that my bathroom was so disgusting that it took you an hour to clean it. Please. I don't think you spent more than one hour in your entire life cleaning. You can't even clean yourself let alone a bathroom. Oh wait, I forgot. You couldn't shower cuz the shower was just so deplorable. I guess my floor was gross too cuz you left your dirty laundry on it for weeks at a time. That includes the PJs that your daughter shit on.

-I'm not a mother
No shit? I didn't know that. What gave it away, the lack of a child? No one has to be a mother to recognize signs of neglect. Ask any mother out there. Diapers that sag to a kid's knees and children who aren't bathed for a week or fed for up to 5 hours after they wake up sound like kids who are being neglected. If that's not neglect, I'm gonna be raising my kids wrong.

-I'm annoying
Ha! At least everyone I hang out with likes me. My friends or otherwise. I'm not getting into who I'm referring to cuz I'm sure they would rather not be involved, but do you really think that the people you know and hang (or hung) out with wouldn't agree with me on anything I have said? Bet me. Please. I'd bet a million $$ and be a millionaire overnight.

-I'm a bullshitter
Coming from the queen of all bullshitters. You have so much shit in you, it's comin out your ears. You deny everything, even if it was witnessed first-hand. A quote comes to mind, 'the only good thing that came outta your mouth was a dick' and it wasn't even your husband's was it?

-I'm a liar
Ok. I'm making all of this up just to spite you. Hey, crazy, I'm not you, I don't make shit up just because someone said something mean about me (oh wah). I'm saying it because you need to realize how you are cuz apparently, you have no clue. You must live in your own little lala land.

-I'm judgmental
Ya know, I could have been. I could have never spoken to you when I was told you rarely have your children, you don't take care of them when you do, and you are nothing but a lying drama queen. Did I? No, I got to know you. Unfortunately everything they said about you was true. Go figure. 

-I neglect children
This one is just ridiculous. Yes, me who adores children and is willing to do whatever it takes to have one is neglectful of a child. Your kid played with markers. I told her not to keep colouring herself but I'm not her mother. She didn't listen to me. Plus, last I checked, kids play with markers and they are also washable. Neglectful? I think not.

-Ultimately I'm nuts.
Yeah, maybe, but why don't we ask who is on the nut pills. Not I, my friend.

I think that about covers it. I'm glad I got to know myself so well.

P.S. I hope you enjoy this one too since you loved my last one so much. Sit and chain-smoke and ignore your kids to this one.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bitch, Please.

Ever have that one friend who always seems to have something going on that causes 'drama'. I had a friend like that. I used to feel bad cuz it just seemed like she just had bad luck with people but now I have come to find that she brought it all on herself. The situations she went through I now realize she was the reason they escalated. All I asked her to do was mail a package to me and find some very important papers to me. Does this seem hard? No you say? Well apparently, it is. After 2 months of asking for that package and 3 days that I didn't have to find those papers, I finally got fed up and asked a friend to get my stuff because it was always something with her (which ultimately translates into she is too fat and lazy and waaay too busy laughing at posts on cafemom and playing solitaire and doing god knows what else from dawn til dusk on her precious computer. And trust me, I am NOT exaggerating). Well, she didn't like that friend anymore because of (surprise) other drama that she created. This girl couldn't put it aside for 2 fucking minutes just to let her come and get it? Really? I didn't realize I was still in high school. I guess it just proves my theory that just because you're a "mother" (and I use that term very loosely with her) doesn't mean you are an adult.


Disclaimer: Just so we are clear here, I am NOT talking "shit". I am just sayin it like it is. I'm sure you will go and cause more drama over this cuz, wah, wah, wah, someone is telling the truth about you. Believe me, if you want me to talk shit, I will tell your husband things that will screw your marriage worse than it is now. Oh, and don't forget, I lived with you and saw how you took care of things in your life (and I'm sure you know what I am talking about) and believe me, I can screw your life in other aspects too. You picked the wrong girl to piss off.

P.S. I fucking HATE the word drama.

Really?

When did high school behaviour become acceptable in adult life?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Poll

I made a poll on here (found to the right under the about me section) to get a general opinion of what people think about how much a woman should do to conceive her own child. I'd really love to know what everyone thinks. It is anonymous so you can vote however you want to...go with what you truly believe. 


The undecided option is there if you believe there are certain points to stop at. Whether it be fertility meds, IVF, or whatever. If you DO pick undecided, I'd love to know what your opinions are on that. 

This isn't a poll for me to judge people, it's just a poll to help me understand what people think about the subject.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Baby Obsessed???

Why is wanting to have your own baby seen as narcissistic? Why can't people see how painful it is for women to not be able to carry their own child? Why is wanting to have a child, something most women want at some point in their lives, seen as having a baby fetish, or a baby obsession if you go through any infertility treatments? 


I was browsing blogs today and came across a blog that posted this article. While I did not really enjoy the article (and it was mainly because I could only wish for the money for 11 shots at IVF) I found the comments on the article more disturbing than anything in the article (pictures included). Most people think that infertile women are baby crazy. This is not true. Why can't we want something other women get so easily? Why are we the crazy ones? Because we choose to try anything and stop at nothing to get what it is that we desire most? Put the drive of an infertile woman trying to conceive into an executive woman trying to advance in her job and we'd be the friggin CEO or President of our company. And we'd be respected.

Here's something else to chew on.

Would this all be different if it were men who were having the children? 

Would they be considered weak and pathetic if they stopped before trying any alternatives? You can bet they would be. Determination in a man is considered a blessing. In women, it's a curse, an obsession.

The worst comment was the one where a person said 'You'd think with nearly 7 billion people on this planet, a couple might think of it as a blessing that they can not add any more "consumers" to our Earth's already overstretched resources'. 

Really? I wonder how many children that person has and how difficult it was for them to have them?

Others went on to say things like, there are plenty of other kids in the world who need families, why not adopt, or aren't there more important things to write about than this?

Yes, there are other children who need homes, but you got to have your child from your eggs and your husband's sperm and you got to carry your baby in your belly...why can't I want the same thing?

Second, I do think this is something important. I think more people need to realize how heartbreaking it is to have to go through infertility. How devastating it is to see two lines on a test and then have it ripped away from you the next day. To have to relive that once, twice, three times or more. It may not be as big a deal as our failing economy or the plans of our new president, but it at least deserves to be in the top 10.

I am so sick of the ignorance of the people in this world.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I've Got A Secret

I'm starting a new project. I'm real excited about it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Pet Peeve Of The Day

When people can't spell. (This one has been comin for a looooong time and here it is) If you are trying to say that you are "bored" please don't say that you are "board". I see it more and more everyday. Especially on myspace. I read people's bulletins and I am just amazed at how people really have no idea how to spell the simplest things. I am not perfect, but I at least don't misspell the easiest words. Not to mention the whole "should've, could've, would've" thing. It is abbreviated with 've for a reason. It's because if you say it without the abbreviation, it is should have, would have, and could have. Not should of, would of, or could of. I guess I am just in a foul mood right now and I need some way to vent about something. Maybe I'll make this a weekly thing though. Sounds like fun.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's Just One Of Those Days

So I'm sitting here thinking of how many people have babies and are having babies (celebrity and non) and ya know what? I'm jealous. Flat out jealous. I want to keep trying, I want to be able to keep trying. I want to not have to try. I just wish that I could go about my business and try like most people do and then wait impatiently to see if I will be gettin 2 lines or if I'll be getting cramps. I want to be able to be surprised. All this infertility stuff doesn't leave much of a surprise. I just always wanted to wake up one morning and realize, holy shit, I'm late and rush out to the store, buy a test and take it. I haven't even had AF since September 9th! That's 83 days. Worst of all is I keep being told that I will conceive when he gets back from Iraq. Ok, just because half the military wives do, doesn't mean I will. I'm not saying I won't, but it's a lot less likely for me. Oh well. That's my crabass rant for the day. I'm going to sleep.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Just Fell In Love

With my new laptop. It's so nice and light and small. I have such an awesome husband to buy me such a wonderful Christmas gift. Even a world away, he still makes me the happiest person on this earth.

Nothing new to report. Life isn't too exciting. My sister is here on vacation and we've had a blast. I don't think we've ever gotten along so well in our entire lives. I'm really enjoying it and I don't want her to leave. But, only a month until I am visiting her in Georgia so it won't be too bad.

Other than that, I've just been trying to keep busy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Pet Peeve Of The Day

When people who are dating refer to their boyfriends as their hubby.

On a side note. I missed my 100th post, but it couldn't have been a happier post.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wow

It's been so long since I last posted. I have much to bitch about, but no energy to write. However, a BIG HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to Emma on her long awaited, and very well deserved pregnancy. Sticky vibes to you girl!!!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Ah the best part of the Army is the FRG. HA! I am so blessed to find out today that the lead FRG lady is, you guessed it, pregnant. Oh and it's just such a great surprise! Can ya tell I'm bitter? I know I am not the only woman who is having problems having a child here but I guess the exceptionally fertile people don't have to think about that. I guess I should maybe mention that if you are going to send out an e-mail saying that not only are you pregnant, but your "partner" if you will is pregnant too, leave me off the list. But I'm sure I'd get, well we sure are busy and we can't take the time to keep track of the infertiles. Then she goes on to tell us that her husband is already where they are going and that it is the worst of conditions. Thanks. I'm so happy to know that my husband will be that much more miserable when he finally gets there. Awesome morale boost for me. Sometimes I really just don't think people think before they speak.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ugh!

Last night, just as I got into my room cuz I gave up on waiting for him, he sent me an IM. Got it through my mobile but I was bummed cuz I really wanted to see him on the webcam. I hate that the Army never ceases to surprise me. I really didn't think he was going to be able to. At least I have been lucky. We've talked everyday and text often. I thought it was getting easier, but yesterday was a harsh reminder that no, it is not getting easier. I really don't see how it can. I am going to miss him today just as much as I did the day he left and all the way up until he comes home.I do wish the worrying would go away though. I find myself thinking about it way more than I should. Everyone tells me I need to keep busy, but trust me when I say, it doesn't matter how busy I am, nothing is going to take my mind off the most important person in my life. I guess this is just something that I am going to have to deal with.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blah

Nothing new to report. John and I still talk on webcam when we can. I'm waitin for him now and it doesn't look like he will be able too :( :( The days still aren't gettin easier. I still find my self stressed over the smallest things. I guess that's to be expected though. I seriously just wish I could sleep the year away. Or at least sleep til he comes home for leave and then sleep again til he gets back. That would certainly make the time go by a lot faster than it is. It's been 15 days 7 hours and 44 minutes.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Yay!

I got to talk to my hubby on webcam today! It was so good to see his face. Kind of sad too. I just wanted to reach through and hug and kiss him. It was hard to not cry though cuz even though I am seriously grateful that I get to do that, it is almost like a tease. I just wish I were seeing him in person rather than on a stupid computer screen from halfway around the world. Still, it was great to see his smiling face when I sent him a cute or funny message. Just wish it could've lasted longer. We got cut short cuz they needed him. Who knows when he'll get another chance to come on. Could be tonight, might not. I hate this so much.

Monday, September 29, 2008

One Week Down

Its been a week since he left and it feels like the entire year has passed already. Everyone says it will go by fast but this week just dragged by. Last time he deployed, we weren't together so it did go by fast. Even when he got extended, it still flew by. It's so different this time. I cared about him last time but I care for him infinity times more this time around. I hate sleeping without him. I roll over and expect him to be there and he's not. I've tried pretending he's there holding me but it's not the same. I haven't washed any of his clothes cuz they still smell like him. Every movie or show I see with a couple breaks my heart. I just never thought I'd ever love someone this much and I'm so glad I fell in love with my best friend. I know we'll look back and see this as a tough chapter in our life and I'm sure this will be as tough as it will get with us, I just still wish we didn't have to go through it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

He's Gone

I can't believe it still but yesterday my husband left. I keep thinking he's going to walk through the door or come crawl into bed and curl up with me like he always does. I hate the army. Plain and simple. I hate this stupid war. I just want to sleep for a year. I don't even know what to do with myself. I just feel so overwhelmed. We did everything together and now, all that has to be put on pause for the next year. I suggest that everyone who reads this blog goes up to the person or people they love the most and just hold them. Know that every second with them is precious. I can't believe how bad it hurts. I keep thinking it's just a week or a month, but it's not. This is going to be the longest year of my life.

Friday, September 12, 2008

.

So it's official as of Tuesday, we are officially done TTC. Not forever obviously. Just a year. AF came a day late. As if it wasn't bad enough that we've been trying just short of 2 years, but to tease me and come a day late? Thanks, mother nature. You really are a bitch. I tell ya though, I can't wait til I get to not be around a military town anymore. I forgot how nice it was to be home in NY away from all the pregnant girls. Obviously there were pregnant girls back home but it's a lot less than in Fairbanks, where I swear 90% of the population are military and about 85% of them are all pregnant. Was it too much too ask to be able to tell my husband for his birthday that he was going to be a daddy? Was it too much to ask that he would be able to find out before he gets deployed? I guess for me it is. Hopefully when he gets back I can get a doctor who gives a shit and wants to move things along rather than just telling me to e-mail her when I get my period. That's an awesome plan for someone who has cycles that are super long. Better yet, I can't wait til he gets out of the Army so I can get a real doctor. One who wants to help and one who I don't have to wait a month just to get in. And please, no comments to this blog saying I'm sorry, your time will come, maybe this just wasn't the right time and blah blah blah. Especially if you're pregnant.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I Hate Flying

Seriously. I hate it even more when you get stuck next to a larger person. I don't mean fat though, just...larger. Now let's be honest, most people are larger than me, but, just because you're bigger than me does not mean you get to hog the armrest. I'd like a place to rest my arm as much as the next person, but, I usually find myself moving my arm to accommodate the other person. (This is mainly due to the fact that I hate to be touched in any way by strangers. Ew.) My point is, they are always the armrest hoggers. Are their arms that much more heavy that they can't possibly keep from resting them? My arms get tired too. Worst is when you do move your arm to accommodate them and they move into your space. Ok, I get it, you need the damn armrest, but, do you also need so much room that I am pushed into a corner? No, sir, you don't. I think I'm just perturbed because I tried to stand my ground and not let him have it. I put my arm there while he went to the bathroom. He returned, I stayed put. He sat and put his meaty gross arm on mine. I folded. Yuk. Damn OCD. I hope on my next flight* I get sat next to a more petite person. Or a girl. They seem more likely to cave when it comes to armrests.

*I originally wrote this while sitting on the plane next to Hoggy McArmrest. My next flight I sat next to two old ladies from Buffalo. We took turns with the armrest.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

I Have An Issue

I find that I refer to anyone's baby as the little one. Why do I do that? I think I have an idea. Maybe I'm trying not to look at the baby as real or something. I know he/she is there, but I guess if I don't identify with him/her, it doesn't hurt as much. I find it incredibly hard to compliment people on their babies. I practically choke on the words as they're coming out. I know I'm just wishing it was me that had a baby but I just can't help it. I'm thinking this will be this way for a while (i.e. when I have my own baby) so please, don't be angry with me if I don't compliment your baby, or if i pretend like you're not pregnant. I notice, it just kills.

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Monday, July 28, 2008

What To Do

I'm still torn about whether or not I should continue TTC or not. I want to, but I don't. I was just realizing how much I missed with the two kids next door and I really don't want my husband to miss that. The oldest is now riding a bike without training wheels and the youngest is already running around everywhere. It's crazy to see how much I have missed and I was only away for 8 months. How would it be to miss out on the very first year of your child's life? However, we both want a baby horribly bad. He says he's fine as long as we can have our baby, but I'm really not. As much as I want a baby, I want him to be there for all of it. So what do I do? I know I can't just dismiss what he feels, but I think it would be the wrong decision and I just feel like he would really regret missing out on all of that. Especially if we only get to have one child.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

MySpace Bulletins

Is there really a need to post the same bulletin 7 or mor times in a row? I admit I used to do the occasional survey when I was bored and I still sometimes do, but, I don't see the need to post a bulletin about a particular event so many times in a row. Worst part is, more than one person posts these same bulletins that many times. If you want to get word out, post one, maybe even two, but please, not a million.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Traveling Can Fool With FF

I got crosshairs the other day but before anyone gets bummed cuz the hubby wasn't here to try, know that they took them away. I figured it was a mistake. I was sleeping all weird, drinking on occasion and just the major temp and humidity difference between Alaska and Buffalo I knew it was going to be inaccurate. I'm kinda glad cuz if I would have ovulated, I would still be bummed. I was at first and then when they took them away I was kind of happy. Only bad thing is, now I don't know when to expect AF so I don't know if we'll get another chance to try again.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Back Home

So I'm back home. I flew in and surprised my mom. It was great. I love doing that to her lol. I never realized how much I could miss home. I used to think Buffalo was so boring. It's really not at all. Fairbanks is boring. They don't have the festivals we do, the lawn fetes, and their fair is like one of our carnivals. I don't miss the humidity though. I got outside and it was like walking into a heavy wall. This probably doesn't make sense to most people but if you live in a humid area, you know what I'm talking about. I just wish my husband was here. 23 more days...

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Monday, July 14, 2008

:(

I miss my husband.

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Tryin This New App

I'm not really sure how this all works but I'm giving it a try to see how it posts.

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I Hate Tila Tequila

Why do so many people like her? She's a bitch. I watched the reunion show of the second season of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila and it was so funny to watch what an idiot she made of herself. The chick she picked (Tila says she's bisexual...riiiight) turned her down. Then as the girl is defending her choice to not be with her, Tila is becoming more and more immature by the second, swearing and interrupting her; especially when the other girl had a point. I recommend watchin it for a good laugh. It's even funnier to see the audience defend Tila. Who cares? She got what was coming to her and no matter how much you boo the other girl and cheer Tila, she's not going to be your friend, or lover, and give you all her money. I swear, Americans get dumber by the day.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

So yesterday was the 4th of July. Whoop-de-doo. It's John's favourite holiday and he's not even here. I really hate the Army. Isn't it bad enough he's gonna be gone for a year? I know they need to do it, but they could've picked a better time to do this. It was such a bad day too. Jenna and I went to go get her hair chopped, and the driver side window breaks. All she did was roll it down and now it's stuck. We had it back up, but it fell down and now it won't even move. Most awesome of all is NO ONE IS HERE. I don't even have enough money to fix it til next paycheck cuz this was our short paycheck cuz of rent. Awesome. Just awesome. I can't even get it fixed then though cuz Jenna can't get on post and I don't have a license. I can't wait til my husband gets home. :(

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My Husband Is Gone

Well it's here. The first major chunk of time I will be away from my husband since we've been together. I thought 2 weeks was hard. It's only been about 9 hours since I last saw him and it already sucks. Thank god I got Jenna and Call Of Duty 4 to keep me occupied.

Obviously TTC is out for this month since he won't be here. We only have one chance left before he leaves me for a year (how am I gonna handle that) and it might not even work out. Oh well, I guess we'll see what happens. It just seems to be going so quickly. He's already gone now and then he'll come back, we'll go home for a visit, and then we come back and have roughly a month together before he leaves again. Luckily though we get to bring our niece back with us when we come back from vacation. I'm really excited and so is he.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Happy Anniversary...

To Us!! One year ago today, I married the man of my dreams and I gotta say, this first year of marriage has been easy. Some people say the first year is the hardest, some say it's after the first year that is the hardest. I think that if you love the person you're married to, it will never be hard. Yeah I've got some obstacles coming this year and I'm sure there will be others, but I think if you love that person with all your heart, it will make it easier. I have never been so happy in my life and I have my wonderful husband to thank for that. I love you John!!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Boy Oh Boy

I hate when my husband is gone. I have to much time to think. I was taking a bath due to the excrutiating cramps I get, and as I was lying there, I couldn't help but notice how empty my uterus felt. Did you know, in the time it has taken us TTC so far I could have 1 child and another on the way. Especially since we plan on having one after the other. (If that is even possible) That is just depressing. I only have one more chance to get pregnant before he leaves and with all the planning and perfect timing that is needed, I don't even think that is going to be possible. I can't imagine how much thinking I will be doing next month and then all next year. He is pretty much my sanity. I need him here to keep me normal so to speak. Ugh.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Not Pregnant

Well AF showed yesterday. Yippee. I really thought this was it. The way my boobs were hurting I was so sure. They have never hurt that way...ever. Worst part is, John leaves for a month on July 2nd so I can't even take the Clomid and spend the month trying. I have to pray that AF doesn't come on time next month or else we are out for the next month too. I hate this. I pretty much have to count on AF being late, take Provera and then Clomid all on a schedule. Awesome. Why is it that I can't just get pregnant like a normal person? Now I have to go plan out the next 2 months. Fun stuff.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What You Should Know About Women Going Through Infertility

This post is inspired by a fellow BZ'er who has a more than inconsiderate co-worker.

Please know that we know more than you ever will about what it takes to get pregnant. We know when we ovulate, when we are about to ovulate, and what every little twinge in our bodies mean. We know how to temp, check our cervical mucous, check our cervix, and what will effect everything in our bodies. We also know every position known to man that will optimize our chances at conception. Yes, we have layed in the oddest positions imaginable to make sure the sperm gets to our cervix but that does not make us stupid. With that being said, please don't come up to one of us and ask us if we know when we ovulate, or that every woman ovulates on the same day and please please for your sake, do NOT say that we just need to relax and not stress so much. To quote my BZ buddy "First of all, I am not infertile because I think too much about it and because I stress over it!! I think and stress out, because I am suffering through infertility". Telling us to relax and it will happen is like telling a cancer patient to just relax, the cancer will go away on it's own.

Please understand also, that just because you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you know the best way for me to get pregnant. I am not you. I am not lucky enough to ovulate regularly on my own. It takes medication, sacrifices of certain foods and pain relievers for the headaches we get from the stress and regular visits with the dildo cam for me to even have a normal cycle let alone a pregnancy. Also, please don't say 'I understand how you feel cuz it took me 2 months to get pregnant' 2 months? HA! It's been three months since I've even had a period! (Side note: Yes I do understand when you are trying for a baby if it doesn't happen on the first month it is discouraging but please do remember you are talking to someone who has been trying for 17 months or longer)

One more thing, never say to me 'oh you're young you still have time' You know nothing about my situation so please don't assume that being young is on my side. How do you think it feels that all my 23 year old counterparts have no problems getting pregnant. I'm young, I'm not supposed to be worrying about taking extra hormones to get pregnant til I'm 35.

So please if you want to try to help me, just a simple I'm sorry this cycle didn't work out, or a nice gesture such as going with me for some ice cream or a movie or just plain hanging out or something will work. But please never assume I don't know everything to do and every procedure out there cuz you will just embarrass yourself when I bash you with my TTC knowledge.

Thank You.

Friday, June 13, 2008

We're Gonna Keep Trying!

John and I decided last night to keep TTC. I realized that I really want a baby (duh) and with me ovulating again, I just can't give up. So as soon as AF comes, I am gonna e-mail my doctor and tell her to give me another round of Clomid. I'm really excited about it and actually hope that this time I am truly pregnant. I want to see two lines in about a week. Two lines that actually stay longer than a day. So here's to waiting in the two week wait again!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Well Isn't This Funny



This is what my chart looks like as of today. My body needs to make up its mind.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Chart As Of Now



***CLICK IT TO MAKE IT BIGGER***

Monday, June 9, 2008

My Body Needs To Do Something

CD 74 and nothing. I got what looked like another positive test yesterday but who knows. It's a little funny that both my positives came after a night of heavy drinking. I looked it up and every article I saw said that alcohol has no effect on pregnancy tests and that the only thing that causes false positives is medications that contain the hCG hormone. I should call and get a blood test done so I can start BC or something but I am procrastinating for some reason. Maybe I'll just test again on Saturday. Something is going on in my body though cuz a certain part of my boobs are sore. That's usually my big indicator of AF coming. I just wish something would happen.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I Am Just So Confused


This is what my chart looks like as of today. I don't even know what to think anymore. As you can see I had a major temp spike when I got my positive pg test and then I got a negative and it took a hell of a dive. My coverline was at 97.15 and then they changed it to 97.03. I am 95% positive I had a chemical pregnancy due to the positive test, the temp spike, the negative test and the temp dive. I don't know what my temps are supposed to do after that happens cuz I wasn't temping the last time this happened but I only have two temps below my coverline and I know that they say individual temps really don't matter, it's the whole picture. Oh well, I think I may test tomorrow if AF doesn't start.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Figured I'd Share, But Don't Get Excited





This is what I got on Friday morning but like I said, don't get excited. Every test I've taken since then, including a digital, have been negative. I guess this is a chemical pregnancy or a dud of a test. I was so excited. But at least John won't miss everything now when he deploys. It was pretty exciting though to see that positive even though it's so light you can barely see it.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

This Is How I Know



How often people look at my page.

*****Click on it to make it bigger*****

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Wow

When will the children grow up? I guess for some that will never happen. Just curious why they would be searching a certain someone with the initials S.B. that I know of. Hmmm.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

We're Done

John and I have officially quit TTC. With him getting deployed, I don't want him to miss the birth and the first months of our child's life. I think it's the best thing for us to do right now. We will try again when he is on his leave and then again when he comes back. Good thing is, if we need to do IVF, the money that we will save from Iraq will cover that. So that's that. We're sad but we know it's the best decision. I just can't believe after 16 months, we'll be on a break for the same amount of time.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm Gonna Love This Job

Those kids are soooo cute! I had one of them glued to me right away and she is the cutest little thing ever. This is going to be an awesome job. The hour I was there, flew by! Plus, it will hopefully be a little bit of a distraction and I'll get pregnant. The big joke around there is if you wanna get pg just drink the water lol. Oh, I will! Another good thing is, I will have the money to buy a fertility monitor and stock up on pg tests so I can test at my little heart's desire. I think this will be good. Oh yeah, that and I get to buy a whole new wardrobe. Woot Woot! I'm a workin woman now!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Oh My Dogs Are Gonna Hate Me *UPDATED*

I got the job! I am going to be working with the infants too! I'm so excited! I go in today at 2:00 to spend an hour with them. I can't wait! Hey, if I can't get my own kid right now at least I can watch other people's babies. And get paid for it on top of it. Sweet deal if you ask me.

Update: My hours are 9am-6pm Monday-Friday. I start Thursday!

One. Just One.

That's all just one ovulatory cycle out of 15. This is absurd. Actually I don't even think there is a word for what this is. I've had one real chance in almost a year and a half. No wonder I'm not pregnant. I don't even know if AF will come on its own. Which means more Provera which means more waiting. Why can't I just be ovulatory. It's not like I don't grow follicles. I just apparently don't grow them big enough which means my body won't release them cuz they are no good. Or maybe my body is just incapable of releasing them. I just wish I'd ovulate on my own. No meds. But no. Oh well, guess we just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll get AF, maybe I'll just ovulate late. Maybe I'll just quit altogether. All I know is if I'm gonna keep trying my doc needs to work faster cuz if my husband ends up going to Iraq, I don't have time to mess around. At least if he does go, we'll have enough money for one IVF cycle if need be, if that's any consolation for him being gone for a year.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Feel The Burn

So Jenna, Alex, and I went to the gym today. It was a lot of fun but there was so much I couldnt do because of my back and my shoulder. Half the ab excercises I couldnt do cuz my back wouldn't allow me to. But I did what I could and I'm pretty pleased with it all. We're going back tomorrow and every weekend after that. I plan to lose at the very least 2lbs a week which, by August, I'll only have 8 more pounds to go til I hit my weight of 95 again. I can't wait!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Not Feelin It

I'm just not excited this cycle. I'm gonna be testing on the 2nd and that's only if I don't get AF. Maybe I'll hold out til the 3rd. I don't know why there's the lack of excitement. Maybe it's because we've been trying so long, maybe because Dr. Dip Dong (as she has been dubbed) said I'm not responding to the Clomid and wasn't going to ovulate. Maybe cuz my chart looks like shit. I don't know. I'm just not dying to wake up every morning to see if my temp rose and this is honestly the first cycle where I could truly care less if I tested or not. Maybe it's because I took the relaxed approach this time around. Who knows. All I know is I'm getting sick of trying. I hate the Clomid, I hate having to watch what I eat or drink, I hate scheduling when I pee so I can take OPKs, and I'm absolutely sick of not being pregnant!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mini Update

Oh yeah, did I mention that BOTH my ovaries are polycystic now? Yeah, found that out at my second follicle scan. Fun, huh?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

And My Doctor Said I Wouldn't Ovulate

This is what I got yesterday. Looks pretty positive to me.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

So Tacky

Ok, I get that people break up all the time big deal, but when a girl dumps a boy and then shoves the new bf in the ex's face, well I think that is just plain tacky. Ha, what a whore.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I Think I Truly DO Have A Stalker

Whoever searched for my blog on google with the keywords clomid opk blogspot jenn and is from the Tennesse/Kentucky area...do I know you? I bet I do...

Monday, April 7, 2008

General Updates

I'm done with the Clomid and waiting to O. Unfortunately, my husband is gone for the next 2-ish days. Hopefully the follie scan tomorrow will show that I have a little more time before O. However, he will also be gone CD18,19, and 20, and he will come home the night of CD21. If I O the same time as last month, we will have time. If not, well, I can't really say.

Jenna gets here tomorrow! I can't wait. She couldn't have come at a better time cuz John will be gone for so many days and I will definitely need the company.

***Special thank you for Alex who will be taking me to my follie scan and then taking me to pick up Jenna later***

Other than that, not much to report.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Day 1 Of Clomid...Again

Here we go again with the Clomid. I'm taking it earlier in the day this time around to see if it will make a difference. The only thing I'm worried about is the side effects. I've taken it at night to keep the side effects, aka hot flashes to a minimum, but now that I'm taking it earlier in the day I don't know what to expect. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Some Good News And Some Confusing News

I got a follicle scan! My doctor called me yesterday (I was assuming it was a response to my e-mail) and she told me that she didn't have my b/w results yet and they didn't even test me for my progesterone levels! I told her it didn't matter anyway since I got AF but I told her the 100mg made me O I just didn't know what day and she said ok, put me on 100mg from CD5-9 (she wouldn't do CD2-6 or even CD3-7) and then finally set up a follicle scan for April 8th. Only problem is, hubby will not be here. He'll be in the field that day. But luckily a friend of mine is going to take me.


Now for the confusing part. She told me the rest of my blood work looked fine as far as fertility goes. Uh, what? I told her that when they first tested me they said that it looked like PCOS and then my u/s confirmed the "string of pearls" on my right ovary. So WTH is going on?! Maybe I am just annovulatory? I'll take that, but, it's still confusing. Hmmmm. Sorry this got long.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I'm Out For This Cycle

Yay. On to a new cycle.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

You Want Something To Whine About?

So I just read a post on my one message board about a woman who had her IVF cycle cancelled. Ok that totally sucks and there's no disputing that, but, I can't help but find it a little annoying that she is complaining about how many chances she hasn't gotten in this journey TTC#3. That's right TTC#3. Why don't you try never getting a chance? I'm TTC#1 here and I just this past cycle after 14 months, got my first real chance. I know that even if you have one or two or more kids it will still suck to not get to have that one more that you want, but, try not even having one in the first place. Try going over a year without even a shred of a chance and then tell me your life sucks. I know I haven't been through as much as she has (ex. surgeries and procedures), but, I haven't had the privilege of having any children yet either. Not to mention the age difference. I wonder if she has any idea how horrible it is to be 23 and not be able to conceive like every other 23 year old? I guess it just irks me that she always wants everyone to feel sorry for her and yet she has no idea how bad some other people (not necessarily me) have it. Oh yeah, and how lucky she is to have 2 children in the first place.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Really?

There are far more abortion clinics than Infertility clinics in the US. There are no infertility places in Alaska just abortion clinics. You can't imagine how excited I was to get results from my search and then find that they are for abortion clinics and not Infertility clinics. Super. Now, I'm not Anti-Abortion as long as it's used for instances such as rape or selective reduction. However, I do have a problem when girls use it as a form of birth control. (Sarah this has nothing to do with you). Anyway, the closest one to me in NY would be 6 hours away. I'll keep searching though. Hopefully I can find one in Seattle maybe.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Hey Psycho

Quit reading my blog. Get your own life and stop trying to find shit out about mine. I'm just curious what you find so interesting about my life? Why do you find it necessary to flip through almost every page of my blog? Believe me, I know what pages you look at. Stop stalking me and get a life. Go join the Army LOL.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Let The Countdown Begin...Again.

Ok. So I added this ticker (to the right) to my blog (and one on my myspace) to count down to when I am testing. I have no clue when I ovulated, but, I just made up a BS cycle to make the ticker count down to ten days...if I can last that long. I can't believe I'm in the 1WW(ish) again. I just spent the last week anticipating either my period or a positive. Now I have to do it all over again. Yay. Oh well. Hopefully at the end of this one, there will be 2 pink lines to make me smile.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Now This Changes Things...

So, I took out all my positive OPKs and look at my chart now. (Scroll to bottom of page and click the little ticker with the snail) I'm so confused now. Maybe those OPKs were only positive cuz of the Clomid. But I did have that other positive on the 12th of this month (CD20) I don't know when I should test now. If I put in the positive on CD20 it says I Od on CD21 and without it, it says I Od on CD24. Is this even possible with the Clomid? To ovulate this late? If I really Od on the 16th, I'm WAY too early to test. And if I Od on CD 21 I'm still really early. Now I don't know what to think.

Here's the address for anyone who can't find the ticker with the snail
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19c4c9

Well

BFN. I'm actually shocked this time. My temp went up today and everything. I woke up this morning at 4:30 having to pee so bad I thought I was going to pop so I decided to test then since I was so exhausted last night I went to bed at 10:30. Well I waited and waited for something to show up and nothing did. Stark white is all that stared back at me.

However, when I got up at 8:30 this morning to look at the test that I completely took apart lol, I saw something. Where the test line would be I saw a tinge of colour (now purple since it had dried out) at the top and bottom of where the line would be. Now I know I can't trust anything past ten minutes (let alone 4 hours later) but it gave me a tinge of hope that maybe I'm a late shower. I'll test again on the 26th if AF hasn't shown. I really thought this was it for me. I've still got symptoms but who knows what they even mean. Oh well.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Thank Yous And An Update

First I'd like to thank Shari for the babydust comment on my myspace. I can't respond to it currently but I truly thank you for it. Also thank you to my cousin Deanna for the comment too. If I can make it to Florida, I'll take you up on that offer.

Now for my update. I've been having heartburn and the nausea started today but who knows if these are pg symptoms or just the foods I'm eating. I guess we'll find out on Friday. I don't want to wait that long but I don't want to waste a test. I'm so damn anxious!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I Hate The People Who Make Viruses

So my new phone couldn't have come at a better time cuz our laptop is having a bit of a virus issue. It sucks though cuz I can't check myspace like I would like to cuz if anyone used any of those special characters, I can't load it cuz it won't recognize it. Blah. Oh well.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Let's See If It Works

Trying to post from my phone  

If I Ain't PG

Then I don't know what is wrong with me. I want cheese ALL THE TIME. I don't even really like cheese. I've had cheese and crackers everyday, and I couldn't get enough of the ricotta cheese in the stuffed shells I made. Hmmm. Maybe it's just my impendiing period but I want cheese damnit!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Ah, Technology

So I got my iPhone yesterday. It's awesome. I can pretty much do everything from this phone. Internet, e-mail, awesome texting (it's like an IM convo), maps, weather, iPod, iTunes store... The only thing it doesn't do is picture messaging. That makes me sad. Oh well, small price to pay for the awesomeness of this phone. Oh yeah, that and for some reason, myspace home page (and a few other myspace pages) won't load on there but all my other pages do. I can get my mail, my profile, and other people's profiles but not my home page. Weird.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I Got My Crosshairs!!!

How beautiful is that?! Now all I gotta do is keep my temps up for the next week or so and hope it's accompanied by a positive pregnancy test. Here comes another long week!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Another Positive

So just for the hell of it I took another OPK cuz I was having a tightness and swollen feeling in my uterus and ovaries and this is what I got. Are you kidding me? What is going on with my body. I know that you can use OPKs as pregnancy tests but they aren't very reliable. Not to mention I'm only 5DPO so implantation is highly unlikely. But in my research I did find that a few sites said that implantation can occur at 3DPO which I had a very big temp dip at. I don't have crosshairs yet but if I put in fake temps for the next two days I get solid crosshairs on CD15. (Here's my chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19c4c9 ) I don't know what to think. I give up. I already had 3 positives! Why another one?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Super. *Updated*

So I just read on BZ that sometimes you can get a false reading on OPKs while you are on Clomid. Super. I hope that's not what happened. I'll be really upset. I swear I felt O pains on the 15th though. Who knows. I could have just built some follicles and just didn't release an egg. That would be super too. That would mean more cysts. Only this time they would be on both my ovaries.

All I ever wanted to do was be a mother and it is the one thing that is still out of my reach. I have a great house, a wonderful husband, we have plenty of money for us and for a baby, and yet, undeserving, ungrateful, horrible women get babies. Yeah, makes sense to me.

I ask you, "god"... Who thinks this is funny?

Update: I looked it up on Google and this is what I found...just a positive OPK is not a good enough indicator of ovulation. Especially when you are on Clomid you can get a false positive OPK, meaning that the test is positive but you did not actually ovulate. Starting a temperature curve will give you close to 100% reassurance what happened with your ovulation.

Once again, Super.

Monday, March 10, 2008

This Is Ridiculous *Updated*

I hate Fertility Friend. Ok I take that back. I hate my BODY. My OPKs clearly indicated I ovulated, but, my temps sure as hell aren't. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19c4c9 That's the link to my chart for anyone who reads this blog that charts as well. I know that the PCOS could be screwin up the OPKs but I never got a positive before. Not even with the 50mg of Clomid. Ugh, I don't even know what to think.

Update: Ok I put in some fake temps over the next 4 days and it gave me dotted crosshairs for the 15th which is when I am 99% positive I ovulated. I don't know yet what the dotted lines mean, but, I asked my girls on BZ and I am waiting on a response from them.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Ok So Now What?




Ok. Yesterday's OPK was positive. Or so I thought. Look at today's. I believe this is my real positive.




Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Hate The Army

Yeah, so I got me a positive OPK, but no husband! He is stuck at work tonight cuz some asshole didn't tell them when they first found out, that they had to clean for some inspection. SO instead, they have to stay late tonight. Super.

Look What I Got!

THIS IS MY FIRST EVER POSITIVE OPK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let's just hope my tubes aren't blocked or anything equally as bad that would keep fertilization from occuring!

WISH ME LUCK!!!