Stole This From Cheri

List 20 things you want to say to people, but never will. 1) List 20 things you want to say to people, but never will. 2) Don't say who they are. 3) Never discuss it again. 1.) You act like such a victim, but you're not. You use your physical limitations as an excuse. 2.) We've both changed and our relationship is better than ever! 3.) You confuse and annoy me. Seriously. 4.) You mean the world to me. I would never be the same without you. 5.) Sometimes I am not sure if the things you say when you are joking around are really jokes. 6.) Don't let that little bitch bring you down. You're better than that. 7.) Sometimes I just never want to talk to you again. 8.) I don't trust you sometimes. 9.) Despite the beginning, I really consider you a true friend. 10.) You think you have it bad but you have no idea how much worse it could be. 11.) I think you hold grudges over stupid petty things. Sometimes you just gotta open your mouth. 12.) Get rid of her, please! She is no good for you. 13.) I don't know why you put up with him. He can't love you and you don't love him. 14.) You're better than that! 15.) I've never met a more fake person than you. You are everything you claim you aren't. I will tell you someday. 16.) You are beautiful. Inside and out. Change for no one. Be who you are cuz you are wonderful that way. 17.) Do what makes you happy. Don't apologize for it. 18.) You're sneaky and two-faced. 19.) You're a one-upper. 20.) You interest me in a non weird way. You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. You smile through everything. I wish I had that strength.

TIme-Lock

I feel so frozen in time with all this fertility stuff. There is nothing I can do right now and it's driving me nuts. Yes, I could go get all the testing done I could get without needing the hubbster, but I want him to be here. I want him to be there holding my hand. I want him to be every bit a part of this. Stupid Army. Only 3 months 27 days (about) til we can try again.

Zombies

I have this serious fear of Zombies...

I'm not kidding. 

I watch the movie Dawn Of The Dead and I have nightmares for weeks. However, I LOVE Zombie movies. I don't know what kind of weird psychological issue I have with that but, every time I see Dawn Of The Dead on I HAVE to watch it. Then I end up having some seriously fucked up dreams about Zombies. These dreams are so real that I literally put my phone on silent, stay very quiet, and text people that I know to make sure there aren't Zombies running around eating their brains. Every time.  My poor husband would get back from PT and he'd have a text asking if Zombies were taking over the world. Then I'd text a friend or two back home just to be sure. I'd literally be sweating and terrified until somebody answered back. 

So...

My wonderful husband and one of his friends came up with an elaborate Zombie plan. I mean they had it planned right down to knocking out the stairs to our apartment and knocking out the wall to the apartment next to us and he'd bring his big old Army vehicle and guns and ammo and all that just to make sure that I was safe from Zombies. All we'd have to do is ride it out til winter cuz living dead or not, they ain't livin through -40 and lower temps. 

It's great to know that my husband is prepared and willing to protect me...no matter what odd fears I have.

If that ain't love, I don't know what is.

104

It's been 104 days since I last got AF. Just thought I'd update on that.

Will It Ever Be Finished?

I let it go. I said what I had to say. Here AND to her. Could she let it go? Of course not. She says nothing to me for days and finally, when her MOMMY makes a comment, she gets the balls to say something. First off, Lisa, you say to me, if I got something to say, to say it. I DID. I said all this TO YOUR DAUGHTER. I don't know how else I can stress this. Once again, everything I have said in this blog, I have said TO HER. Now, it ain't my style to insult my elders, but, I can see why Amanda is so dense. As far as my stuff goes, yes, I should have gotten my stuff out. However, she said I could keep it there and why is it an inconvenience to her if I have OTHER people move it out for me? Is it because then other people would see how she keeps her house? God forbid she have to do something. 

And Amanda, way to get some balls after your mom does. Ha! 

Now if you wanna go and answer everything with a quote, well so can I.

"You know, I really wasn't going to reply to any of this, but since the girls are down for a nap, oh what the hell. Why not."

Your kids nap now? Total mind blow. Anyway, you weren't going to comment but now here you are doing so. Why? Do you think you're 'hardkore' as you like to put it? Trust me, you're not. Way to be tough after mommy was. Ha. You make me laugh, you really do. I almost feel sorry for you because you obviously have no idea how you really are. Apparently Jenna and I lived in our own little world that long month you lived with us. Speaking of that, why DID you move in when you did? I said you could start moving your STUFF in early, that didn't mean you and your kids. As far as my sleeping patterns go, sorry, this is my first deployment. I miss my husband like crazy. I was up all night til about 8 in the morning or later and THAT is why I slept until 4. Don't believe me? Why don't you ask my mom cuz that's who I'd be on the phone with. But you already knew that cuz you heard me on the phone at that hour more than once. Oh, and don't worry, I'm sleeping quite well now.

The laundry comment.

"I guess my floor was gross too cuz you left your dirty laundry on it for weeks at a time. That includes the PJs that your daughter shit on"
Excuse me, but I do believe that I did my laundry whenever the washer was open. The PJs that my daughter pooped on, it took me 3 days to wash them because I was waiting for the washer and dryer to be empty. I guess it really is that hard to take your clothes out of the dryer.

First off. I saw you do your laundry ONCE. Second, when I did my laundry, the only place clothes were ever left was the dryer. Can't you open your mouth and ask for me to take them out. I wasn't aware it was your house yet. It was my dryer and if I want to leave my clothes in there to wrinkle, I can. Oh, and Jenna never left her clothes anywhere but the dryer either. We both know that clothes left in the washer smell musty after too long. Let's see, as far as the shitty PJs, I'm sorry, did we not have sinks there? Most people wash their children's shitty clothes out in a sink first and then put them in the washer. I guess it really is that hard to be clean.

"Diapers that sag to a kid's knees and children who aren't bathed for a week or fed for up to 5 hours after they wake up sound like kids who are being neglected"
I missed one diaper change, that made Lily's diaper sag to her knees. ONE DIAPER. I changed them both pretty regularly. And now that Lily is potty trained, that leaves me with one child's diaper to change. And yes, they were bathed more than once a week, but would you really know that, I mean, after all, you were sleeping till about 4 in the afternoon most days. And not feeding them for 5 hours? Wow. Because like I said, you would really know what I do when they get up, because you were always awake that early.

I'm utterly EXHAUSTED at repeating myself about your kids. I should just refer you to the other blog entries on that one, so go read them again because clearly, it takes you a while to get things through your head. Ha, potty training Lily. I recall the first time she asked to pee on the potty and you ignored her. LOL. Jenna was there for that one so try and deny it. As far as my sleeping habits, refer to the beginning of this entry.

"At least everyone I hang out with likes me. My friends or otherwise."
You know what, I know I am annoying. And yet those people still chose to hang around me. Those people still called and asked me to come over and hang out. If they really disliked me that much, LOSE MY NUMBER. Simple.

First, let me apologize for dragging anyone into this that doesn't want to be for the sake of gettin it through this bitch's head. No one likes you Amanda! They hang out with you because of your husband. If you only knew what they said about you AND your parenting. Ha. Makes me laugh just thinking about it. All I gotta say is we all can't be wrong. 

"A quote comes to mind, 'the only good thing that came outta your mouth was a dick' and it wasn't even your husband's was it?"
Excuse you. Unlike some of the army wives that you call friends, I have never, and will never cheat on my husband. And you guys can say anything you want. It really doesn't bother me.

Clearly it does bother you and why do you feel the need to bring everyone and their mother (well, yours at least LOL) into this? And I do believe you did cheat Amanda, and I know with who. Oh yeah, and just so you know, other people know as well. 

"You must live in your own little lala land."
No ma'am, I live in the real world. I'm making everything up because someone was mean to me. Ohhhhh yes. I was so upset because someone deleted me off of myspace and refused to talk to me, that I got all butthurt and went on a little rampage. I think not.

Who's real world do you live in? You're the one who flew off the handle with Kerry and you deleted her all cuz she was mean to you as you say and then you delete Jenna simply because she is friends with me? I didn't see you deleting me cuz I was friends with Kerry. You're ridiculous. Myspace is not life sweetie. Sorry.

"I could have never spoken to you when I was told you rarely have your children, you don't take care of them when you do, and you are nothing but a lying drama queen."
I may not always have my kids, because my parents like to spend time with them, but I have witnessed every single one of their milestones, and have always been there, either in person or on the phone. And as for not taking care of them, I call bullshit because I care about my daughters very much. I do everything I can to make sure that they are fed, clothed, get played with every day, and get the sleep that they need.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I can't even comment on this one, I'm laughing way too hard!!!!! You take care of your kids! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

"Your kid played with markers. I told her not to keep colouring herself but I'm not her mother. She didn't listen to me. Plus, last I checked, kids play with markers and they are also washable"
Is it really that hard to take a marker away from the kid? Of course she didn't listen, she is 2 years old. You get up and take the marker away.

Get over it, it was a fucking marker. 

"Yeah, maybe, but why don't we ask who is on the nut pills. Not I, my friend"
Ok, so I am on medication to deal with depression that i have battled for 9 years, and anxiety that I have battled for 5 years. Those are nut pills? Since when? And when did it become a crime to be on meds? And uhhh, last you told me, weren't you debating on going on meds for your "OCD"

Never mentioned pills. I said I was thinking of talking about it with someone. And the only reason you're "depressed" is because you are stuck in a marriage where your husband could care less what you do and you are tied down with two kids and you're 21. You wanna party but you can't. Wah.

"Sit and chain-smoke and ignore your kids to this one."
I do not ignore my kids. Thank you very much.

Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Well, she didn't like that friend anymore because of (surprise) other drama that she created."
I created drama? All I did was delete her off of myspace. I didn't like things that she was doing in her life, and decided that I didn't need to be around it. Is it really that big of a deal to delete someone off of myspace? Is your myspace life that important that you flip shit over someone deleting you? Really? Ambie deleted me, and that was her choice, I didn't ask why, because, personally, I don't care. It's MYSPACE. Get the fuck over it.

Alright Queen of Myspace. You're the one who sits on it all day long. I could give a shit if anyone deletes me. I do pose a question though. If you don't want to be "myspace friends" with someone anymore and you delete them, then why do you still look at their page? Yes, I have a tracker on there too. Just for future reference. And there you go draggin in other people again.

"After 2 months of asking for that package and 3 days that I didn't have to find those papers, I finally got fed up and asked a friend to get my stuff because it was always something with her"
2 months ago, I was dealing with finance fucking our paycheck up. We ended up with a $313 paycheck at the beginning of the month, when we pay all of our bills. So yes, our bank account was screwed up for 2 months trying to get everything back on track. I prefer to pay my bills, and make sure my kids have food. And no, not McDonalds. You ask anyone who comes to my house after I've grocery shopped and ask them whats there, fresh fruits, veggies, chicken breasts. REAL FOOD. Mrs "I don't keep fresh fruit in my house". And really, those 3 days of not getting your papers. I was trying to figure out why my rent allotment didn't go through. I told you that. I'm sorry that your husband's papers aren't as important to me as getting my rent figured out. Maybe he should have taken those papers with him to Iraq like EVERYONE else did. Or maybe you should have taken them to New York with you.

You're always dealing with a finance problem. And no, it's not a problem. That's what the first of the month paycheck looks like after $1400 for rent is taken out. Until it starts going where it takes $700 from each paycheck, that's how it goes. Welcome to the real world. And when did I ever say I don't keep fresh fruit in the house? I don't usually buy it because it's too damn expensive up there. And I cooked 'real food' everynight for my husband and for Jenna. Sorry I didn't feel like cooking for you all the time. Wouldn't have mattered cuz even when I did, you ate very little and then stuffed your fat face with oreos instead. Sounds healthy to me. As far as you gettin those papers, it took Kerry 2 seconds to find them. They were in the box I said they were in. It would have taken you all of ten minutes to drive there, get them and drive home. Oh and FYI, his originals got lost in the packing process, otherwise he would have had them. And funny, I never had problems with my rent when I lived there. I gotta say, I'm really regretting getting that apartment for you. Thank god they know I'm nothing like you.

Really, maybe you should recheck the IP address, because Shannon doesn't have a computer, and it was my friend Sarah, in Florida.

Someone else from Fairbanks looked at my blog the same time this "sarah" chick did. So sorry for screwing that up. I do see though that you, your mother, and this sarah chick love to look at my blog quite frequently. My myspace too. Thanks for stopping by! :)

And by the way, if I was such a neglectful mother, wouldn't you have called CPS on me by now? Go ahead. But please wait till I get back to Fairbanks, I'm in Anchorage right now, and would hate for CPS to have to waste their time going to my house, only to find no one home. I'll be back January 3rd. Go ahead and give them a call then. I'm sure they would love to waste a visit on me.

Oh I have wanted to but I figured you expected it and were running around trying to clean up and everything so in case I did call, things would appear normal. Don't worry, I will call them and you never will know when so I guess you'll have to keep a clean house just in case. Hey, at least the kids will be taken care of for once out of fear of them getting taken away. Hmmm, or maybe that's what you want. Then you really wouldn't have to deal with them would you.

Oooh, and just FYI, if I don't feed my kids, and Olivia isn't even on solid foods, how does a 10 month old weigh 20 lbs?

Cuz she's still drinking formula. It ain't rocket science.

Oooh, and another one, kids only get to be as smart as Lily when you read to them and spend time with them, they don't get smart from watching TV. Look it up.

Then I guess it's a wonder that Lily is so smart! Why don't you teach her some more "cute' choice phrases cuz that's all I ever saw you teach her.

Ohh, and Kerry, karma is coming for you hun. Lock up your child and hide in a closet.

And STILL you bring Kerry into it. I just hope you realize that you have 4 of the biggest bitches you will ever meet pissed off at you. I'd be very careful if I were YOU.

Now, please, we'd all like to go on with our lives and act like you never exsisted. So, if you got something to say, try not to wait almost a week next time, ok?

It's Done

My new tattoo that is. Crappy pics, but, it's got Bacitracin all over it and I took it with one hand. I also finally got around to posting pics of all my tattoos and those can be found here

The Story Behind My Blog Layout

Ya like it? It's cute isn't it. I decided to use it cuz while those dandelions are annoying as hell, when they turn to the puffy thingys, you're supposed to blow them away and make a wish as you do so. I have two of the most important things to wish for that I've ever wished for in my life. For my husband to come home safe, and for us to be able to have a baby when he gets back. I'm really hoping that we can be one of the lucky families that get pregnant after a deployment. If not, we get to start the fertility treatments over again...yay.

Things I Have Learned About Myself Today

-I'm childish

-I'm a slob

-I'm not a mother

-I'm annoying

-I'm a bullshitter

-I'm a liar

-I'm judgmental

-I neglect children

-Ultimately I'm nuts.

This is what I have to say back

-I'm childish

Yes, I am. I love to start fights with girls for my own entertainment. It was my plan all along to have you take over my lease and then be a total bitch to you. I said what I need to say and I did what needed to be done. I am not apologizing for that. I spoke my mind and you couldn't take it. That doesn't make me childish, it makes me honest. Don't like what I write in my blog here? Don't read it. I can do what I want with this blog and I will. Read the title of it.

-I'm a slob

Yup, you got me pegged again. I am such a slob that my bathroom was so disgusting that it took you an hour to clean it. Please. I don't think you spent more than one hour in your entire life cleaning. You can't even clean yourself let alone a bathroom. Oh wait, I forgot. You couldn't shower cuz the shower was just so deplorable. I guess my floor was gross too cuz you left your dirty laundry on it for weeks at a time. That includes the PJs that your daughter shit on.

-I'm not a mother

No shit? I didn't know that. What gave it away, the lack of a child? No one has to be a mother to recognize signs of neglect. Ask any mother out there. Diapers that sag to a kid's knees and children who aren't bathed for a week or fed for up to 5 hours after they wake up sound like kids who are being neglected. If that's not neglect, I'm gonna be raising my kids wrong.

-I'm annoying

Ha! At least everyone I hang out with likes me. My friends or otherwise. I'm not getting into who I'm referring to cuz I'm sure they would rather not be involved, but do you really think that the people you know and hang (or hung) out with wouldn't agree with me on anything I have said? Bet me. Please. I'd bet a million $$ and be a millionaire overnight.

-I'm a bullshitter

Coming from the queen of all bullshitters. You have so much shit in you, it's comin out your ears. You deny everything, even if it was witnessed first-hand. A quote comes to mind, 'the only good thing that came outta your mouth was a dick' and it wasn't even your husband's was it?

-I'm a liar

Ok. I'm making all of this up just to spite you. Hey, crazy, I'm not you, I don't make shit up just because someone said something mean about me (oh wah). I'm saying it because you need to realize how you are cuz apparently, you have no clue. You must live in your own little lala land.

-I'm judgmental

Ya know, I could have been. I could have never spoken to you when I was told you rarely have your children, you don't take care of them when you do, and you are nothing but a lying drama queen. Did I? No, I got to know you. Unfortunately everything they said about you was true. Go figure. 

-I neglect children

This one is just ridiculous. Yes, me who adores children and is willing to do whatever it takes to have one is neglectful of a child. Your kid played with markers. I told her not to keep colouring herself but I'm not her mother. She didn't listen to me. Plus, last I checked, kids play with markers and they are also washable. Neglectful? I think not.

-Ultimately I'm nuts.

Yeah, maybe, but why don't we ask who is on the nut pills. Not I, my friend.

I think that about covers it. I'm glad I got to know myself so well.

P.S. I hope you enjoy this one too since you loved my last one so much. Sit and chain-smoke and ignore your kids to this one.

Bitch, Please.

Ever have that one friend who always seems to have something going on that causes 'drama'. I had a friend like that. I used to feel bad cuz it just seemed like she just had bad luck with people but now I have come to find that she brought it all on herself. The situations she went through I now realize she was the reason they escalated. All I asked her to do was mail a package to me and find some very important papers to me. Does this seem hard? No you say? Well apparently, it is. After 2 months of asking for that package and 3 days that I didn't have to find those papers, I finally got fed up and asked a friend to get my stuff because it was always something with her (which ultimately translates into she is too fat and lazy and waaay too busy laughing at posts on cafemom and playing solitaire and doing god knows what else from dawn til dusk on her precious computer. And trust me, I am NOT exaggerating). Well, she didn't like that friend anymore because of (surprise) other drama that she created. This girl couldn't put it aside for 2 fucking minutes just to let her come and get it? Really? I didn't realize I was still in high school. I guess it just proves my theory that just because you're a "mother" (and I use that term very loosely with her) doesn't mean you are an adult.

Disclaimer: Just so we are clear here, I am NOT talking "shit". I am just sayin it like it is. I'm sure you will go and cause more drama over this cuz, wah, wah, wah, someone is telling the truth about you. Believe me, if you want me to talk shit, I will tell your husband things that will screw your marriage worse than it is now. Oh, and don't forget, I lived with you and saw how you took care of things in your life (and I'm sure you know what I am talking about) and believe me, I can screw your life in other aspects too. You picked the wrong girl to piss off.

P.S. I fucking HATE the word drama.

Really?

When did high school behaviour become acceptable in adult life?

Poll

I made a poll on here (found to the right under the about me section) to get a general opinion of what people think about how much a woman should do to conceive her own child. I'd really love to know what everyone thinks. It is anonymous so you can vote however you want to...go with what you truly believe. 

The undecided option is there if you believe there are certain points to stop at. Whether it be fertility meds, IVF, or whatever. If you DO pick undecided, I'd love to know what your opinions are on that. 

This isn't a poll for me to judge people, it's just a poll to help me understand what people think about the subject.

Baby Obsessed???

Why is wanting to have your own baby seen as narcissistic? Why can't people see how painful it is for women to not be able to carry their own child? Why is wanting to have a child, something most women want at some point in their lives, seen as having a baby fetish, or a baby obsession if you go through any infertility treatments? 

I was browsing blogs today and came across a blog that posted this article. While I did not really enjoy the article (and it was mainly because I could only wish for the money for 11 shots at IVF) I found the comments on the article more disturbing than anything in the article (pictures included). Most people think that infertile women are baby crazy. This is not true. Why can't we want something other women get so easily? Why are we the crazy ones? Because we choose to try anything and stop at nothing to get what it is that we desire most? Put the drive of an infertile woman trying to conceive into an executive woman trying to advance in her job and we'd be the friggin CEO or President of our company. And we'd be respected.

Here's something else to chew on.

Would this all be different if it were men who were having the children? 

Would they be considered weak and pathetic if they stopped before trying any alternatives? You can bet they would be. Determination in a man is considered a blessing. In women, it's a curse, an obsession.

The worst comment was the one where a person said 'You'd think with nearly 7 billion people on this planet, a couple might think of it as a blessing that they can not add any more "consumers" to our Earth's already overstretched resources'. 

Really? I wonder how many children that person has and how difficult it was for them to have them?

Others went on to say things like, there are plenty of other kids in the world who need families, why not adopt, or aren't there more important things to write about than this?

Yes, there are other children who need homes, but you got to have your child from your eggs and your husband's sperm and you got to carry your baby in your belly...why can't I want the same thing?

Second, I do think this is something important. I think more people need to realize how heartbreaking it is to have to go through infertility. How devastating it is to see two lines on a test and then have it ripped away from you the next day. To have to relive that once, twice, three times or more. It may not be as big a deal as our failing economy or the plans of our new president, but it at least deserves to be in the top 10.

I am so sick of the ignorance of the people in this world.

I've Got A Secret

I'm starting a new project. I'm real excited about it.

Pet Peeve Of The Day

When people can't spell. (This one has been comin for a looooong time and here it is) If you are trying to say that you are "bored" please don't say that you are "board". I see it more and more everyday. Especially on myspace. I read people's bulletins and I am just amazed at how people really have no idea how to spell the simplest things. I am not perfect, but I at least don't misspell the easiest words. Not to mention the whole "should've, could've, would've" thing. It is abbreviated with 've for a reason. It's because if you say it without the abbreviation, it is should have, would have, and could have. Not should of, would of, or could of. I guess I am just in a foul mood right now and I need some way to vent about something. Maybe I'll make this a weekly thing though. Sounds like fun.