It's Not Fair!!!

How can one believe in god when a wonderful person gets her babies snatched away from her at 19 weeks? IT'S NOT FAIR! I'm so angry for her and my deepest condolences go out to her and her family. I'm so sorry.

Excuse Me While I Toot My Own Horn

I've lost 13 pounds since John has been gone! 

The Epitome Of Babies Having Babies

I don't even know what to say to this so I will just leave a link.

Click here for the story

WTF

Tell me how one can support a child if she can't even buy a V-Day present for her boyfriend? Babies having babies. Tragic really.

Celebrities! Use Your Powers For Good, Not Publicity

As I was searching around on the internet, I found out that Victoria Beckham apparently has PCOS (and she's not the only one). I find it utterly amazing that with all the buzz around her and her husband, this is not one of the topics ever discussed. Although, I think she's not the best person to be the spokesperson for it. She has 3 or 4 kids now? That doesn't help with the infertility aspect of it (even though there is a possibility she has done IVF or at least some fertility treatments, but god forbid should she admit she isn't superhuman). Why don't celebrities talk about these things? They will openly come out about having cancer, but they can't admit to having PCOS? What is there to be ashamed about? I'm not ashamed. I will admit, I feel horrible for not being able to give my husband a child and our parents a grandchild, but if someone asks why we don't have kids yet, I tell them. Infertility in general seems to be a topic that most people won't admit to. Why? Is it because it is not commonly known? Is it because it is not life threatening? Well, in my opinion, it is life threatening. It is threatening the little life that could be. Not to mention, PCOS isn't just infertility and shitty symptoms. It can lead to diabetes, heart disease, increased risk of miscarriage, increased risk of gestational diabetes, and uterine cancer. (Nothing life threatening about any of those [hello, sarcasm]).

I just hate how these celebrities have all this power and have so many people hanging on every word they say and yet, they don't talk about this? Give em cancer and they will cry to anyone who will listen and milk it for all the publicity it's worth. Maybe that's it. Lack of sympathy. Not too many fertiles out there have an understanding on why this hurts us. A lot of people look at it as, well, the world is overpopulated enough, big deal. Or big deal, at least you're not dying. No sympathy for you. 

Ok, if that is the case, then why is there so much awareness about erectile dysfunction? It is a form of infertility in guys. If they can't get it up, that can't have sex, which means, no baby for you (by traditional means). There are a lot of Christians out there and Christians are brought up to believe that sex is simply for making babies, nothing else. You aren't gonna tell me that most of the men suffering from this are going on pills for procreation alone. But then here you have women with PCOS who are trying to have babies and procreate, and yet, no help or publicity for us. Why? Is it because it's more complicated than ED? Is it because it doesn't have the possibility of death the way cancer does? 

I just wish some celebrities would start doing something about this. Like, instead of Maury doing a show on Paternity tests, maybe he could do one on infertility. As long as he doesn't do as piss poor a job as Tyra did on her show on infertility that made it all look like people are getting too worked up and that is why they didn't get pregnant, I'd be happy. Did anyone see that episode? She had the chick from The Bachelorette on there and the way I took her story, was they were just not timing it right. That does NOT equal infertility.

But why doesn't Oprah do a show on it? The whole world listens when she talks and she of all people should have a show on it because maybe she could put a diet book on there for women with PCOS.

And Angelina Jolie. Instead of helping third world countries, maybe she could raise awareness about infertility. Even if she doesn't have it, I don't care. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You know anyone would listen to whatever you have to say.

Maybe I'll just do something about it. Maybe I'll raise awareness. Maybe I'll start doing talk shows. But I'm just one person, who isn't famous. Who would listen to me?

Reason For Going Private

I know it's still far away from John being home and us actively TTC again, but I just decided that I really don't want everyone and their brother reading my problems with it. Obviously we are going to give it a shot while he is home on leave. It's going to be one of those, if it happens, it happens sort of things. No planned cycles. It would be too stressful to sit there and plan out when I need to have my cycle. Plus, I'd have to do BC and I am not going to go back on that stuff unless I truly, truly have to.

I guess it's just going to be a very personal time in my life and I don't need the world to know about it just yet. I don't really want my failures out here for the world to see. (Especially for the people who read this who know me, but aren't friends with me). If we are successful, then I will open it up to help anyone who is going through the same thing. It could maybe inspire them or offer them hope. I just don't see how much help my blog could be to others if we are not successful. 

Maybe I'll change my mind by the time he gets home and will want to share everything, the good and the bad, with everyone. But, for now, it's just us.

The Three Month Plan

I'm not sure I have mentioned my good old 3 month plan for getting through this deployment. (I might have to someone in a comment but I'll do it again). I've given myself key things to look forward to in order to make this all go by quicker.

It's starts with Day 1. Now, as I was looking forward to going home, I was looking forward to visiting my sister more since I haven't seen her in a while and I haven't actually been to Georgia. SO, from the day he left to the day I got to Georgia...3 months. (Well, minus a day).

From the day I got to Georgia til the time I leave won't be three months and as I am looking forward to going back, I have another goal in mind. Jenna's 21st birthday. My girl is hittin the big two- one and I plan on helping her plan out the ridiculous shenanigans that will be occurring that night/morning.  This will take place just one week shy of 3 months from the time I got to Georgia. 

Then, in the next portion of three months something wonderful is going to happen. John will come home for leave. We're not 100% sure when yet but it looks like about a month after Jenna's birthday he should be home. 

BUT...

The next 3 month mark is going back to Alaska. After John leaves I am going back to Alaska. Depending on when his leave is, it could cut into May so I will be going back to Alaska in June. I think I might start looking now for tickets to catch em while they are cheap (hi, my name is Jenn, I'm a tightwad). This will be 3 months to the day that I left Georgia. 

THEN....

He comes home!!!!!!

Not sure when but I am not plannin on any earlier than September 1st. I'm hoping, but I don't think it will happen. That will be 3 months to the day that I got back to Alaska.

Makes it sound so short, huh? I wish. I can't believe how slow and fast time is going. But isn't that always the way of it? I look back and realize he has been gone for over 4 months now and it's like, holy shit it's been 4 months already?! Kinda feels like it flew by. It certainly doesn't feel like it though while you are trying to get to these points. Example, he comes home already in like 2 months. I like how I say "already" as if he's only been gone a couple weeks, not a couple months. Sometimes it feels like it, most times it doesn't. 

Now, how do I feel about him taking leave so late into the deployment? Good. I look at it this way, yes, he will be gone for about 7 months by the time I see him, but, it will only be about 4-5 months until I see him again. I like it that way better. As much as I'd love to see him sooner, I'd rather wait so that it will be less time he will be gone the next time I have to say goodbye. (Which I am dreading by the way).

Plus, last time he went he took leave early...and then got extended. He was taking no chances this time and I'm just fine with that.

*As I sit here I realize that I am mentally blocking out the months he will be there past his leave. I gotta get outta that mindset cuz I know he has to go back. I can't look at it as if he is coming home and that's it. Or maybe I am lookin at it as, those months are gonna feel just like the first 4 did.. Slow while it's happening, but feeling as if they flew by in the end. 

Or maybe I am just too damn anxious to get this thing over with already. 

I Think I Just Fell In Love WIth Hilary Duff

So, apparently, since Hollywood these days is all about remakes of movies, they want to do a sort of "remake" of Bonnie and Clyde based off of old news clippings and such. Well, original "Bonnie", Faye Dunaway is pretty pissed they picked Hilary Duff to star and said "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress". Ouch. Well, upon hearing this and doing an interview, Hilary Duff responded with, "I think my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know... I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too". 

Double Ouch! 

Hahahahahaha!!!!! 

Here We Go Again

I just finished my last cigarette. I'm quitting smoking again. No, this isn't some New Year's resolution or anything either. It's just smart. Especially with trying to conceive. It's stupid not to. Plus I figure there is no better time than now to do so due to the fact that I probably won't be talking to my hubby as much as I used to. (I guess that's what I get for getting so excited about how much I get to talk to him) 

I figure with the vitamins I am about to start and with us obviously giving it a shot when he is on leave and then going at it super aggressively when he gets back, me still smoking is just not going to help. Even aside from TTC it's just seriously bad for me. I just really hope that I can stick to it this time and that he can quit when he comes home. (I don't expect him to do it now)

Oh boy.