One Week Down

Its been a week since he left and it feels like the entire year has passed already. Everyone says it will go by fast but this week just dragged by. Last time he deployed, we weren't together so it did go by fast. Even when he got extended, it still flew by. It's so different this time. I cared about him last time but I care for him infinity times more this time around. I hate sleeping without him. I roll over and expect him to be there and he's not. I've tried pretending he's there holding me but it's not the same. I haven't washed any of his clothes cuz they still smell like him. Every movie or show I see with a couple breaks my heart. I just never thought I'd ever love someone this much and I'm so glad I fell in love with my best friend. I know we'll look back and see this as a tough chapter in our life and I'm sure this will be as tough as it will get with us, I just still wish we didn't have to go through it.

He's Gone

I can't believe it still but yesterday my husband left. I keep thinking he's going to walk through the door or come crawl into bed and curl up with me like he always does. I hate the army. Plain and simple. I hate this stupid war. I just want to sleep for a year. I don't even know what to do with myself. I just feel so overwhelmed. We did everything together and now, all that has to be put on pause for the next year. I suggest that everyone who reads this blog goes up to the person or people they love the most and just hold them. Know that every second with them is precious. I can't believe how bad it hurts. I keep thinking it's just a week or a month, but it's not. This is going to be the longest year of my life.

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So it's official as of Tuesday, we are officially done TTC. Not forever obviously. Just a year. AF came a day late. As if it wasn't bad enough that we've been trying just short of 2 years, but to tease me and come a day late? Thanks, mother nature. You really are a bitch. I tell ya though, I can't wait til I get to not be around a military town anymore. I forgot how nice it was to be home in NY away from all the pregnant girls. Obviously there were pregnant girls back home but it's a lot less than in Fairbanks, where I swear 90% of the population are military and about 85% of them are all pregnant. Was it too much too ask to be able to tell my husband for his birthday that he was going to be a daddy? Was it too much to ask that he would be able to find out before he gets deployed? I guess for me it is. Hopefully when he gets back I can get a doctor who gives a shit and wants to move things along rather than just telling me to e-mail her when I get my period. That's an awesome plan for someone who has cycles that are super long. Better yet, I can't wait til he gets out of the Army so I can get a real doctor. One who wants to help and one who I don't have to wait a month just to get in. And please, no comments to this blog saying I'm sorry, your time will come, maybe this just wasn't the right time and blah blah blah. Especially if you're pregnant.