Oh I Am Getting Anxious!

I get to finally call the doctor tomorrow for my next appointment. I'm really hoping she is back from Maternity leave already and that I can get in really soon. Only thing that sucks is I have a limited number of days for my appointment. I can't go between the 10th and the 18th cuz John will be gone and then we are going to Anchorage at the end of the month so the 22nd to the 25th will pretty much be out. I just really hope I can get an appointment before April. I don't want to be frozen for another month.

Let's Take A Poll

Ok, so it's 2:46am and I can't sleep. After reading the surveys from some fellow insomniacs, I go to leave a friend a comment. Well being bored (I stress bored so no one thinks I am "stalking" them or any other riduculous assumption that could come from this) I was just sifting through comments and alas my husband's EX wife is apparently still going by MY last name. Ok, fine, you wanna keep that name after you get divorced, go for it. But when you are married again to someone else, isn't it time to change it to oh, I don't know, your new husbands name?

I'm sure this will start some great big whirlwind effect of nasty annonymous comments or severe chatter behind my back, but I really don't care. I'm sick of walking on eggshells. And before anyone says, well you don't know the whole story, trust me, I know more than you think. And no, it's not cuz I'm "stalking" anyone, it's just things are easily found out through different ways.

Am I wrong to feel this way? How many other people would honestly feel this way?

Killer Ex Boyfriend

I just found out that my ex bf stabbed a man to death in Carolina! How crazy is that?! Funny thing is, even though he was nothin but nice to me all the time, I'm not in the least bit surprised. I'm not sure why though. He and another man were arrested after the man's stolen car was found by his home in Batavia. His gf, who he has a 5 month old child with, was arrested for accessory after the fact for helping cover it up. They say other arrests are going to be made too. Wow. Crazy.

Doctors Have Magic Powers

They can freeze time. I bet you didn't know that. Well, I'm telling you, they can. I'm still stuck in this cycle and I will be til I can get a doctors appointment. It sucks cuz I can't even call the doctor til the 1st of February. I'm on CD54 already and still no sign of anything and the doctor is the only one who can get me out if it. Sure, it's nice not to have a visit from the monthly witch, but it makes me go crazy wondering, Am I pregnant? Of course 4 or 5 PG tests later, I know that I am not. I just hate being at a complete and total standstill. I also hate that my cycle had to go on hold cuz my doctor is off having her own baby. Stupid, I know, but how did I get so "lucky" to get a doctor who is not only pregnant, but on maternity leave just as I start fertility treatments?

No, I'm Not Dead

I just have been totally consumed by this little game called The Sims2. Wow, I can't get enough of it.

Not much has happened this week though. Went to the Eve 6 concert Saturday night. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Unfortunately, my right ear won't stop ringing cuz we stood next to the speakers the whole time. It is so unpleasant. Rawwwr. Bed Time.

Yes, It's That Tough

I read the most unbelievable thing today. I still lurk over at the horrible message board just to see how a few choice girls are doing. Well, come to find out there were two BFPs today (Congrats to both girls btw!!!) and of course, our favourite designated bitch had to put in her two cents. First, she goes on the say 'See, you don't even EVER get to say you had "infertility" like the rest of us! Got pregnant in under a year, which is the normal time frame for getting pregnant'. Ok, does anyone else sense the utter bitchiness of this comment? See, if she had maybe said you don't ever have to say you had infertility it wouldn't be so offensive, but, of course she said get. Um. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that there was some exclusive infertility club that was just so great to be a part of. Am I more special than "normal" women cuz I'm infertile? Many women worry that they may indeed be infertile but they certainly aren't standing in line waiting to be infertile.

Then of course the woman who no doubt is floating on cloud nine after waiting 10 long months for her BFP and having a luteal phase problem in which she had to take a progesterone supplement, said her thanks and went on to say she was starting to worry with the one year mark gettin closer. (Might I add she has every right to especially with a progesterone problem). Well DB makes a comment about how the one year mark 'isn't that tough'. Uh, excuse me? Maybe it doesn't seem that tough to you now, but believe me, I just hit it and YES IT IS THAT TOUGH. But I keep forgetting, she's an expert and I guess since she has hit it twice already (she is TTC after having children) she knows all.

Now, I know, seeing anyone else get a BFP stings a bit for any TTCer, but we gotta take it in stride and I have to admit, I get excited for these women. Yes, it isn't me who gets that BFP, but I can't be jealous cuz someone else gets a baby sooner than me. Even if they have been trying for a shorter period of time. I am not the judge of who deserves to get their BFP and when. I also don't really consider these girls any luckier than I. They are just different from me and their bodies don't have the issues that I do. End of story. Furthermore, I cannot spend my TTC time being jealous of someone I don't even know and is trying just as hard as I am. Even if they aren't trying as hard as I am, the fact still stands that they are trying.

I Refuse To Label Myself

I've come to the decision I refuse to label myself as an infertile. That is all I see women doing these days. It's not like it's great to be infertile. There are so many things I'd rather label myself as than infertile. I dunno I guess I just don't see the point in labeling myself as that. It's not gonna get me pregnant any faster and I hate fake sympathy (which is exactly what most people get when they tell strangers they are an infertile). It just seems to me that the more and more I delve into this journey of trying to get pregnant, I've come across all kinds of women trying to conceive who are deemed infertile but there seem to be only two kinds. The women who know they are infertile but don't let it define who they are and the women who know they are infertile and let it consume their lives. Now, I know it is hard not to let this consume our lives. Especially when we have to time when we have sex, have ultrasounds all the time etc. but it doesn't' mean you have bitch and whine every second of everyday and say I'm an infertile blah blah blah and let it define who you are cuz you think it will get you a little sympathy.

I just don't understand why so many women let it define who they are. Is it for attention? Are they the same women who spent most of their lives crying wolf, if you will, and making the worst out of every situation just for a little bit of attention? Now I know I've *only* been trying for a year and there are a lot of women who have been trying longer than I have (and essentially been through a lot more) but it's still all the same. It sucks to be infertile but I am just that...infertile. Not an infertile, just infertile.

Infertile: it describes what I am but it does NOT define who I am.

Are Men Really The Weaker Sex?

How many of you read Cosmo? I do. I get it in the mail every month with this magazine thing I did and I have to say I'm thinking of writing them a letter. Every issue there are articles that help women deal with men. Well, in case no one has noticed, most of those articles tell women to put on a front and/or bend for men. Ohhhh don't tell him how you feel too soon cuz he won't be able to handle it, Ohhhh don't talk about how much money you make at your great job that you spent 8 years in college just to get cuz you make more money than him... I didn't realize guys are so sensitive.

To be more specific, this month's issue has a section in the man manual that shows '4 Things Guys Hate To Do' Here they are:

Hold Your Purse- Oh I'm sorry, am I just supposed to leave it on the floor to get stolen?

Meet Your Ex- Ok that is an understandable one, but, do know that if you all live in the same place, there IS the chance of running into them when you are out. (Gasp!) Am I supposed to just pretend that he or you don't exist when you two meet?

Help Out Your Friends- Are you kidding me? Are you that full of yourself that you can't even help another person??? If they weren't my friend, would you have helped them? Believe me, us girls have had to help our boyfriend's friend's out so why can't men return the favour?

Go To A Pilates Class- Ok. We get it. Pilates aren't your thing. However, there are things that we do for men that we don't want to do either. (I love shopping for video games and I love watching them be played even more).

Now I'm not saying that both men and women shouldn't bend for one another cuz everyone has to at some point. I just don't understand why women are the ones who have to do more of the bending. If a woman tells a man she doesn't want to do something (ex. visit the worlds biggest beer bong) she is not being a good sport and is therefore deemed a bitch by not only him, but all his friends as well (and any other man he happens to tell about it). If a woman asks a man to do a simple task such as holding her purse while she goes to try something on, she is supposed to feel ashamed of herself for even thinking it and then feeling privileged that he even went shopping with her in the first place! Yeah, makes sense to me.

What About "Mr. Almighty"

Ok. So this whole "positive thinking" thing is causing quite the stir. So now I have to think about the people who put all their trust and faith in god. Isn't this the same thing as positive thinking? If I were to believe in god and say that I leave everything up to him, is that somehow better than saying I'm going to think positively about this? (Let me point out that I never for one second thought that if I just thought positively about this that it would lead me to my BFP). I dunno I guess I just never hear too many people being chastised for putting their faith in god. Why? Do all these people know for a fact that there is indeed a god? Well butter my ass and call me biscuit! I didn't know that! Why is it more acceptable for people to put all their faith in god but not for people to simply try to think positively. Who am I hurting by trying to make this shitty situation a little more pleasant for me and especially for John. (I'm sure he loves all my negativity about the situation). The only good than can come from this is it might bring my stress level down a notch or two and correct me if I'm wrong but I know stress isn't going to help me in any aspect of my life, not just with TTC. (As if being 23 and not being able to conceive like all others my age isn't stressful enough). So I guess if I were to believe in god, it would all be ok.

P.S. My goodbye post got deleted. Guess since I wasn't part of the "clique" I don't matter. I would not recommend WebMD to anyone.

That's It I'm Done!

Ok so I am officially quitting the WebMD message board. They deleted yet another post of mine. This is getting ridiculous! All I was doing was lurking on the 2nd Tri boards to thank a particular board member who had posted over on 6+ about how she got pregnant after 2 years. Now she had never posted on that board before so it didn't really sit well with some of the other members (and I must admit at first I was definitely annoyed. Ok ok I still slightly am.) but as I read the responses she wrote to everyone (who were all right IMO) her message was all the same; positive thinking. So I decided to thank her personally for inspiring me cuz I really didn't think she'd come back to read the original thread. I just went back to check to see if she had responded and it was gone! Another member of 6+ posted to her on the 2nd Tri board and hers didn't get deleted. The same thing happened about a month ago when there was this big drama breakout and I was having a convo with another member who hadn't been around for a while. Well my original post got deleted so I posted another one giving her my myspace and e-mail so she could contact me. Well, WebMD (after they said to take anymore talk about the situation off the board) deleted my post. Um, hello, I was trying to take it off the board but you deleted my post attempting to do so. I don't understand why they seem to delete only my posts. It really has pissed me off so I don't think I am going to deal with that board anymore and I'll just stick to Babyzone.

I posted a goodbye on WebMD but I'm sure they'll delete that one too.

Mission Accomplished

Well it looks like Britney Spears got what she wanted. No kids. Now that she no longer has custody of her two sons, she can party it up. Funny how Kevin Federline turns out to be the more responsible one. Which isn't saying much when you're being compared to Britney Spears.

Let's Spear Britney

That woman really is starting to bug me. (Sorry Lynzee). How can someone be so unappreciative of the two beautiful children she has! Why is it that my husband and I have to suffer through all this infertility shit and people like her get to have children no problem? It's so unfair! What is the cosmic reason for it? We are going to be great parents and I just don't understand how someone who is so messed up deserves children. Ok maybe the first one was granted to make her change her ways but why the second one!!! The first certainly didn't work for her. Look at me, I don't drink in excess (or really at all) I don't do drugs, I won't beat or abandon my kids and yet, it's been a year since we started trying and still no baby. Seriously, this is getting frustrating.

Wife Swap

So I watched Wife Swap last night and I have to say I cannot believe how idiotic some parents can be. In case you don't watch it, it's about 2 families who have very different views on things and the wives switch places with each other. The first family had a father who thinks that looks are all that matters when it comes to women and the mother agrees. Their daughter is a "beauty queen" and a complete idiot. The mother does all of her homework cuz they don't want her up all night doing homework and she doesn't have time with all of her pageant crap anyway. (They'll keep her up all night with pageant "training" but not for things that really matter?) The other family's mother is a feminist and the father is very passive. Their daughters are homeschooled and are taught to be self sufficient and not have to rely on a man to get them through life. Now the first week of the wife swap the visiting mother has to follow the rules of that household and then they get to bring their own rules in to play. Things go really bad when this happens. (And sometimes even before this happens). I just have to say that the father of the "beauty queen" was a complete idiot. He insulted the new mother many times and even called her a "feminist pig" The beauty queen mother insulted her new family by saying that Feminists are losers and where will being one get you in life. Well let's see if it weren't for the Feminists she wouldn't be able to vote. (I highly doubt she votes anyway and thank god for that if she thinks looks will get you everywhere in life). The father goes on to say that he would hire a good looking woman rather than a smart woman in an interview because he'd rather look at a beautiful woman (PIG!) I just can't believe raising a child to think that all you need to get you through life is looks! What man these days wants a helpless woman? A man who works all day certainly doesn't want to have to come home and cook and clean for him and the children while his wife parades around in pretty dresses and paints her nails. Which brings me to my next point. The beauty queen wife was painting the nails of the little girl from the feminist family because the little girl didn't want to do her school work and her older sister (who the mother called a geek right to her face. Hey Bill Gates was a geek and look where it got him.) was wondering why she was painting her nails instead of doing her schoolwork and she said cuz it will teach her things. UH, what does nail painting teach you? Then that woman had the nerve to ask where would learning car mechanics get the little girls in life? That one is personal. I took Auto Mechanics for two years and I now know how to take care of my car and I can fix it on my own. And if by chance I can't or don't have the tools to fix it myself at least I can't take it in to a shop and know when I am getting screwed over cuz I'm just a "stupid" girl. Or a beauty queen. This "beauty queen" family goes on to say that pageants are reality and she has plenty of achievements, (I didn't know smiling was a new and great achievement for a 15 year old), but the girl can't even spell America correctly! She can't even speak properly. She used "standed up" instead of "stood up". (I'd just like to point out too that she cried hysterically when the Fem mother ripped a $139 picture of her up. $139? That is ridiculous!)How can the parents be so unaware of the damage they are causing? And it is them. She is just a product of idiotic people. The poor girl has no one to blame for the way she is but her parents. I mean come on, they have a Christmas tree up year round cuz she gets presents daily. The funny part is these parents think they are normal! It is a sad situation though. The father is a a pig who even insulted his daughter's effort to cook a meal. He said it was terrible to her face and the poor girl was so proud of herself and he just beat her down with his disgusting words. It's his fault she can't cook! So he has no one to blame but himself. I just don't understand how one family can be so out of touch with reality. I'm not saying the other family was perfect either cuz the mother just forced her feminist opinions on her little girls and the one little girl liked make-up and the mother would have nothing to do with it. (Hey newsflash, there are Feminists who are pretty and wear make-up). I'm not saying I am an expert on how to raise children but it just seems like common sense to me. Let your kids be who they want to be, but don't overindulge them.