Blah

Nothing new to report. John and I still talk on webcam when we can. I'm waitin for him now and it doesn't look like he will be able too :( :( The days still aren't gettin easier. I still find my self stressed over the smallest things. I guess that's to be expected though. I seriously just wish I could sleep the year away. Or at least sleep til he comes home for leave and then sleep again til he gets back. That would certainly make the time go by a lot faster than it is. It's been 15 days 7 hours and 44 minutes.

Yay!

I got to talk to my hubby on webcam today! It was so good to see his face. Kind of sad too. I just wanted to reach through and hug and kiss him. It was hard to not cry though cuz even though I am seriously grateful that I get to do that, it is almost like a tease. I just wish I were seeing him in person rather than on a stupid computer screen from halfway around the world. Still, it was great to see his smiling face when I sent him a cute or funny message. Just wish it could've lasted longer. We got cut short cuz they needed him. Who knows when he'll get another chance to come on. Could be tonight, might not. I hate this so much.

One Week Down

Its been a week since he left and it feels like the entire year has passed already. Everyone says it will go by fast but this week just dragged by. Last time he deployed, we weren't together so it did go by fast. Even when he got extended, it still flew by. It's so different this time. I cared about him last time but I care for him infinity times more this time around. I hate sleeping without him. I roll over and expect him to be there and he's not. I've tried pretending he's there holding me but it's not the same. I haven't washed any of his clothes cuz they still smell like him. Every movie or show I see with a couple breaks my heart. I just never thought I'd ever love someone this much and I'm so glad I fell in love with my best friend. I know we'll look back and see this as a tough chapter in our life and I'm sure this will be as tough as it will get with us, I just still wish we didn't have to go through it.

He's Gone

I can't believe it still but yesterday my husband left. I keep thinking he's going to walk through the door or come crawl into bed and curl up with me like he always does. I hate the army. Plain and simple. I hate this stupid war. I just want to sleep for a year. I don't even know what to do with myself. I just feel so overwhelmed. We did everything together and now, all that has to be put on pause for the next year. I suggest that everyone who reads this blog goes up to the person or people they love the most and just hold them. Know that every second with them is precious. I can't believe how bad it hurts. I keep thinking it's just a week or a month, but it's not. This is going to be the longest year of my life.

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So it's official as of Tuesday, we are officially done TTC. Not forever obviously. Just a year. AF came a day late. As if it wasn't bad enough that we've been trying just short of 2 years, but to tease me and come a day late? Thanks, mother nature. You really are a bitch. I tell ya though, I can't wait til I get to not be around a military town anymore. I forgot how nice it was to be home in NY away from all the pregnant girls. Obviously there were pregnant girls back home but it's a lot less than in Fairbanks, where I swear 90% of the population are military and about 85% of them are all pregnant. Was it too much too ask to be able to tell my husband for his birthday that he was going to be a daddy? Was it too much to ask that he would be able to find out before he gets deployed? I guess for me it is. Hopefully when he gets back I can get a doctor who gives a shit and wants to move things along rather than just telling me to e-mail her when I get my period. That's an awesome plan for someone who has cycles that are super long. Better yet, I can't wait til he gets out of the Army so I can get a real doctor. One who wants to help and one who I don't have to wait a month just to get in. And please, no comments to this blog saying I'm sorry, your time will come, maybe this just wasn't the right time and blah blah blah. Especially if you're pregnant.

I Hate Flying

Seriously. I hate it even more when you get stuck next to a larger person. I don't mean fat though, just...larger. Now let's be honest, most people are larger than me, but, just because you're bigger than me does not mean you get to hog the armrest. I'd like a place to rest my arm as much as the next person, but, I usually find myself moving my arm to accommodate the other person. (This is mainly due to the fact that I hate to be touched in any way by strangers. Ew.) My point is, they are always the armrest hoggers. Are their arms that much more heavy that they can't possibly keep from resting them? My arms get tired too. Worst is when you do move your arm to accommodate them and they move into your space. Ok, I get it, you need the damn armrest, but, do you also need so much room that I am pushed into a corner? No, sir, you don't. I think I'm just perturbed because I tried to stand my ground and not let him have it. I put my arm there while he went to the bathroom. He returned, I stayed put. He sat and put his meaty gross arm on mine. I folded. Yuk. Damn OCD. I hope on my next flight* I get sat next to a more petite person. Or a girl. They seem more likely to cave when it comes to armrests.

*I originally wrote this while sitting on the plane next to Hoggy McArmrest. My next flight I sat next to two old ladies from Buffalo. We took turns with the armrest.

I Have An Issue

I find that I refer to anyone's baby as the little one. Why do I do that? I think I have an idea. Maybe I'm trying not to look at the baby as real or something. I know he/she is there, but I guess if I don't identify with him/her, it doesn't hurt as much. I find it incredibly hard to compliment people on their babies. I practically choke on the words as they're coming out. I know I'm just wishing it was me that had a baby but I just can't help it. I'm thinking this will be this way for a while (i.e. when I have my own baby) so please, don't be angry with me if I don't compliment your baby, or if i pretend like you're not pregnant. I notice, it just kills.

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